Scapegoating is a serious family dysfunctional
problem with one member of the family or a social group being blamed for small
things, picked on and constantly put down. In scapegoating, one of the authority
figures has made a decision that somebody in the family has to be the bad guy.
The mother or father makes one child bad and then looks for things (sometimes
real, but most often imagined) that are wrong.
There are different reasons one child is singled out
to be scapegoated. Perhaps the child is vulnerable. Or the child is hyperactive,
noncompliant or acts out. Sometimes the scapegoated child is viewed as weak who
cannot defend himself. At times the parent heaps on the blame because he cannot
stand the child who has traits and characteristics that are similar to his own!
Sometimes the child has personality traits that are similar to a disliked
relative (She reminds me of my aunt Tillie who I never liked.) Other children in
the family can pick up the scapegoating pattern and join in taunting and hurting
the scapegoated child. In extremely dysfunctional families, the parent may goad
the other children to pick on the disfavored one.
Sometimes one child is favored and given special
status by the parent. This child can do no wrong according to the parent when
they are growing up, but being the favorite backfires on them. Children who are
favored often develop their own form of pathology in that they grow up feeling
special and entitled. One woman said, “For years I resented my sister who my
moved adored. I wished I had been special to my mother. Now I see how messed up
my sister is and I’m glad I was not the chosen one of a very sick
mother.”
All members of the family are affected. Children who
are scapegoated often feel insecure and develop a victim mentality. They learn
that they are at the bottom of the pecking order in the family and often
automatically gravitate to that role at school or at work. This dynamic of
making one child “good” and another child “bad” in the family is a vicious
generational theme learned and passed down from parents to children.
Often an insecure parent will be aggressive with one
of the children to vent his own sense of frustration at not doing well in life.
Aggression in families creates decrease in self-esteem in the children.
Aggression, the use of force against another human being, is always present in
scapegoating. As Elizabeth A. Kaspar says, “The aggressive person is one who
tries to dominate others. Aggressiveness, too, can take several forms. The
aggressive person is frequently rude and humiliating, (e.g., “What do you mean,
you aren’t going to do it?”), or the aggressive person can become self-righteous
(e.g., “I am only insisting on this for your own good.”), or she/he can resort
to being manipulative (e.g., “If you refuse, what will everyone think of
you?”).”
Bullying is always
scapegoating. Abuse is always scapegoating.
It seems as if we humans as a species seem to need
someone to vent our anger on and make wrong. Scapegoating is a projection
defense. It is the ego saying “If I can put the blame on you, I don’t have to
recognize and take responsibility for the negative qualities in myself. What I
can’t stand about myself, I really hate in you and have to attack you for it in
order to deny that I have the same quality.”
Scapegoating is a huge social problem contributing to
the hate that exists in the world. There is scapegoating of whole groups of
people happens when there is prejudice or stereotyping. Unfortunately, in a
larger sense, some Jewish people or other ethnic groups and minorities have been
scapegoated by the lower conscious members of their culture.
Surprisingly there is not much research on
scapegoating for all the damage that is does to families and to society. Here
are some ideas from The Scapegoat Society, Forest Row, East Sussex, RH18 5JF,
England. www.scapegoat.demon.co.uk
“Scapegoating is a hostile social - psychological
discrediting routine by which people move blame and responsibility away from
themselves and towards a target person or group. It is also a practice by which
angry feelings and feelings of hostility may be projected, via inappropriate
accusation, towards others. The target feels wrongly persecuted and receives
misplaced vilification, blame and criticism; he is likely to suffer rejection
from those who the perpetrator seeks to influence. Scapegoating has a wide range
of focus: from "approved" enemies of very large groups of people down to the
scapegoating of individuals by other individuals. Distortion is always a
feature….
In scapegoating, feelings of guilt, aggression, blame
and suffering are transferred away from a person or group so as to fulfill an
unconscious drive to resolve or avoid such bad feelings. This is done by the
displacement of responsibility and blame to another who serves as a target for
blame both for the scapegoater and his supporters. The scapegoating process can
be understood as an example of the Drama Triangle concept [Karpman,
1968].
The perpetrator's drive to displace and transfer
responsibility away from himself may not be experienced with full consciousness
- self-deception is often a feature. The target's knowledge that he is being
scapegoated builds slowly and follows events. The scapegoater's target
experiences exclusion, ostracism or even expulsion.
In so far as the process is unconscious it is more
likely to be denied by the perpetrator. In such cases, any bad feelings - such
as the perpetrator's own shame and guilt - are also likely to be denied.
Scapegoating frees the perpetrator from some self-dissatisfaction and provides
some narcissistic gratification to him. It enables the self-righteous discharge
of aggression. Scapegoaters tend to have extra-punitive characteristics
[Kraupl-Taylor, 1953]. ….On another view, scapegoaters are insecure people
driven to raise their own status by lowering the status of their target
…”
What Should You Do if You Are
or Were Mean to One of your Children?
Understand the dynamics and deal with your anger.
Examine family patterns of favoritism and placing the blame on one child. Do a
web search on The Drama Triangle. Take responsibility for your actions.
Apologize to the mistreated child (even if they are an adult now) and stop
playing favorites. Get into therapy and learn to live with yourself and family
members in more productive ways.
What Should You Do if You
Notice Someone Being Scapegoated?
If you know a child who suffers from scapegoating,
show him or her some extra attention and be reassuring that the rest of the
world does not see him as “bad.” Stand up and speak out against injustice when
you can saying, “Hey that’s not fair. Leave him/her alone.” Get other family
members to join you in insisting on fairness—there is strength in numbers. Break
the destructive silence--when necessary, report abuse to the authorities. Become
a mentor and act as a positive role model so that he can learn to see himself as
a valuable person in his own right. Some children from dysfunctional families
seek out more positive people to learn from. Do not let him accept the identity
of being a bad person simply because a family member was a dysfunctional
bully.
What Should You Do if You Were
Mistreated?
If you recognize that certain people in your family
or workplace always take the brunt of what is going, it is probably
scapegoating. If this is your dynamic, you can learn what you do to perpetuate
unconsciously to keep yourself a victim. Do whatever it takes to change this
role of being blamed. If you were designated the black sheep of the family, then
studying this dynamic is the way to release yourself from its poison. Learn to
recognize the negative family patterns of blame and shame and vow to stop doing
them in this generation!
Stop trying to win the favor of a parent who did not
like you when you were growing up. A parent who rejects their child has some
severe personality disturbance and is not likely to change. The best you can do
is understand the underlying dynamic of your parent and try to come to peace
with this on your own. Don’t expect your parent to “own” up to their
mistreatment. Most likely, they will only deny and blame you again for being
ungrateful. Some children who were scapegoated have as little to do with the
abusive parent as they can when they grow up. Refusing to remain in an abusive
situation is a healthy choice.
Do some reading to explore how scapegoating may have
affected not only your own personality, but also others in your family. Do a web
search on assertive behavior to learn to challenge others putting you down. Take
an assertive class and learn to set boundaries to other’s inappropriate
behavior.
Here is a bill or rights from an anonymous source for
the meek and mild who have grown up allowing others to be mean to
them:
I AM MY OWN
AUTHORITY
Anonymous
I must give myself the right to be me – to function
as I see fit. It is impossible to have a sound self-concept until I am true to
myself and accept full responsibility for my own individual life, my own need
fulfillment. At any instant I can start a new life.
I ALLOW MYSELF THE FREEDOM – I DEMAND OF MYSELF THE
RIGHT:
To recognize myself as the most important and
interesting person in the world – a unique and precious part of life.
To feel warm and happy, kind and living toward
myself.
To realize that at my divine center I am no better or
worse, or more or less important, than anyone else in the entire
world.
To be different, to make mistakes, to be “wrong,” to
be inadequate.
To take the time and effort to fulfill my own needs.
To be happy and free – to be harmonious and effective
– to succeed.
To be open and kind, loving and lovable –
compassionate and helpful.
To be keenly sensitive and aware – radiantly healthy
and energetic.
To do less than perfect – to be inefficient, to
procrastinate, to “goof off,” to kill time.
To perceive myself as an absolute “nothing” –
unworthy and unneeded.
To have “unacceptable” thoughts, images, desire and
experiences.
To allow others to make mistakes, to be “wrong” – to
be ignorant, to be “screwed-up.”
To act spontaneously, to resist, to change my mind,
to be stubborn.
To be emotional – to love, to cry, to be angry, to be
selfish and uncaring.
To drop all masks and images – to not fulfill other’s
expectations and images of me.
To be criticized condemned, disapproved, disliked and
unwanted.
To fail and to learn from
it.
To be loyal, courageous, and exceptional – in both my person and my
work.
To accept my own authority – to follow my own
“knowing.”
I allow myself complete freedom and I recognize that
I am inescapably responsible for all my decisions and actions. For I must
inevitably pay the price incurred. I profit or suffer, learn and grow according
to the “nature and consequences” of my act. I realize that “good and evil,”
right and wrong,” are but intellectual concepts, for there is only wisdom and
unwisdom, only wise and unwise acts.
Therefore, prior to serious decisions I ask myself,
“Is this act wise? (i.e., will it injure myself or others – will it contribute
to my basic needs – is it in alignment with the laws and forces of life?) What
is the total price involved? Can I afford to pay it? And,am I willing to
accept the consequences?”
I know that in the final analysis I need answer
only to myself and that I have all the time there is for my total unfoldment –
that at worst I can only postpone my ultimate reunion with the Infinite.
However, wisdom and love, freedom and joy beckon me onward and I choose to
proceed as rapidly as my prevailing perception and wisdom allow.
