People growing up with an addicted parent often had to cling to rigid and dysfunctional roles so they could survive the emotional chaos.
When a parent is addicted to alcohol, drugs, or processes, over time the entire family is organized around the addict and the emotional chaos he or she generates. Children especially tend to follow rigid roles as the family acts out the the addiction drama.
Even though clinging to rigid, unchanging roles makes no sense to people outside the family, people inside the addicted family cling to their roles as though their very survival depends on it. The family as a unit uses roles to create the illusion of stability and normalcy. This illusion helps the family members carry on in the face of the addict's unpredictable and harmful behaviors, but they pay a terrible price. Family members stuck in rigid roles gain pseudo-stability but must sacrifice individuality, self-esteem, self-respect, serenity, and many other things to get it..
Children are particularly affected by the rigid roles of the addicted family. Playing rigid roles in childhood can have long -term consequences for the children of addicts: they may spend a good deal of time in adulthood unraveling the impact of the family roles has had on their well-being.
So what are addicted family roles?
Role in the Addicted Family – The Little Parent
This child in this role functions as a surrogate or replacement parent. While the addict is immersed in his or her addiction, the Little Parent takes on adult responsibilities. The Little Parent may be the one who takes care of younger brothers and sisters, sacrificing his or her own childhood to make sure the younger children are cared for. Sometimes the Little Parent even begins to parent the parents.
On the inside, Little Parents feel overburdened by the responsibilities. They may develop rigid, controlling, or judgmental attitudes. They may may become perfectionistic and anxious. While they gain esteem from the love they give and receive, they miss opportunities to be children themselves. They may lose the ability to have fun.
Addicted Family Roles – The Hero
This child fulfills the family dreams. If the family values emphasize the need for advanced education and career success, this child will be the perfect student and win elite scholarships. If the family values revolve around popularity and prestige, this child will become a cheerleader, star athlete or seek recognition in the arts. Addicted parents often brag about or show blatant favoritism toward the Hero.
On the inside, the Hero feels tremendous pressure to achieve. Hero children feel as if the entire family is depending on them to be successful. They will often put aside their needs, dreams and goals in order to achieve the family dreams. Hero children are particularly vulnerable to addiction due to the fact that the Hero role forces them to disconnect from themselves-- they may turn to chemicals or processes to numb the pain.
Roles in an Addicted Family – The Mascot
The Mascot is "the funny one". Mascots are the life of the party. In fact, many family occasions cannot really begin until the Mascot arrives. The Mascot often “lights up” the room. Without the Mascot, other members of the family might not be able to stand being in the same room together. The Mascot's presence and apparent good humor help members of dysfunctional families pretend they are ok and that everything is fine.
On the inside, the Mascot is terrified of family conflict. The Mascot feels responsible for everyone getting along and will often intercede in family arguments with jokes to distract from it. While popular, Mascots struggle with any form of intimate relationship due to their intense fear of conflict. Mascots often feel intensely alone and unloved.
Addicted Family Roles – The Chief Enabler
The Chief Enabler is person who makes the addict’s life work. They generally absorb the consequences of the addict’s behavior. While the Chief Enabler is usually the addict's adult spouse or significant other, it is not uncommon to have children fulfilling this role. This is particularly true of single parent families where the lone parent is addicted. Children in the Chief Enabler role may work jobs to provide for the family, run errands to buy drugs for the addict, and make excuses or tell lies so that the addict is insulated from the consequences of his or her behavior.
On the inside, Chief Enablers feel very out of control. Their lives revolve around the addict and the addicts' chaotic behaviors and moods. Because the Chief Enabler lives in response to another person, they are unable to live out their own wishes and dreams. They are at risk of repeating the Chief Enabler role in their relationships with peers, befriending and sometimes even marrying an addict just like dear old addicted mom or dad. Living with the chaos of addiction keeps them from ever having to look at themselves and their own problems.
Roles in a Family With Addiction – The Family Scapegoat
The Family Scapegoat is often thought of as 'the problem child' or 'the black sheep of the family'. The Scapegoat must absorb the pain and stress of the family conflict. Scapegoats are often blamed for things that they have no control over. This teaches them that they will be in trouble no matter what they do. By adolescence, the scapegoat has given up 'trying to be good', and acts out the all the family anger and pain through aggressive acts, criminal behavior and difficulties in school.
On the inside, Scapegoats feel helpless, hopeless, and trapped. Many Scapegoats develop addictions as a way to act out their anger and rage at the lifetime of false accusations and misjudgments, as well as to cope with their tremendous feelings of shame and self-hatred.
Role in the Addicted Family – The Lost Child
The Lost Child is the forgotten child. The Lost Child is often left places or otherwise forgotten. All the other kids in the family may get ice cream or school supplies or taken to pick out a puppy, but not the Lost Child. The rest of the addicted family is blind to the Lost Child's pain. Lost Children cope by becoming immersed in their own world of books, fantasy, video games, or television. The Lost Child may have an entire social circle filled with friends and activities that the family knows nothing about.
On the inside, the Lost Child feels very sad and alone. She is invisible to almost everyone in the family. As adults, Lost Children may feel oddly disconnected from others, unable to make lasting relationships with others.
Moving Forward from Addiction
Children growing up with an addicted parent have no choice but to play a rigid role and cope as best they can. Have respect for your younger self: playing the role helped you survive to this point. However, remember that adulthood brings the freedom to change and the opportunity to leave the rigid role of the addicted family behind you.
Acknowledge your individuality-- you may have had to play a role, but you are more than just a role. Now is the time to find out what that "more" is. Take care of yourself, and learn to foster and appreciate your uniqueness. Whatever your beginnings, a life of serenity and authenticity is open to you.
References and Resources to Help Overcome Rigid Family Roles
Brandon, Nathaniel. The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. New York: Bantam, 1995.
Brandon, Nathaniel. The Art of Living Consciously: The Power of Awareness to Transform Everyday Life. New York: Fireside, 1997.
Brandon, Nathaniel. Taking Responsibllity: Self-Reliance and the Accountable Life. New York: Fireside, 1997.
Conyers, Beverly. Everything Changes: Help for Families of Newly Recovering Addicts. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2009.
Richardson, Ronald W. Family Ties That Bind: A Self-Help Guide to Change Through Family of Origin Therapy (3rd ed). North Vancouver, B.C.: Self-Counsel Press,1999.
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