Addictive disease affects all members of the family. Dysfunctional families take on specific roles in order to cope. The balance is easily shifted by crisis
Values and boundaries? Growing up in an alcoholic/addict home those things are a mystery. Life is unpredictable, and children develop coping mechanisms to survive. Part of that complex process are well-defined and rigid roles that make sense out of chaos. By examining these roles and the motivation behind them, hope and a new sense of freedom and flexibility is possible.
The Hero Saves the Day
There is one super-responsible child in every dysfunctional family. Usually, it is the oldest child, but if the second child is a girl she may take on the hero role. She takes care of younger siblings, cooks, cleans, shops and manages money and household tasks. The hero often becomes the unwitting confidant of a parent and has few friends her own age. There is much praise and approval from parents and outsiders for heroes. Many people do not understand the inappropriateness and weight of this role for children.
Another form the hero role takes is the super-achiever child, who may excel at sports and is driven to achieve high academic marks. The perfectionism inherent in this role creates problems when an adult child cannot control the lives of everyone around him. He means well, but often his efforts meet with resentment and his own feelings stay buried. Heroes are certain they have to earn the right to be loved, and to be happy. They equate doing enough with being enough. Their strategy to fix the family is to work as hard as they can so the family will look and be better.
The Scapegoat Takes the Blame
Who did it? That's easy! The dysfunctional family is in denial--no one wants to admit that drug and alcohol addictions cause all the problems. One member of the family accepts the role of responsibility for everyone's feelings of frustration. Parents and other siblings, and perhaps the scapegoat himself, believe that "if only" this child would stop getting into trouble, try harder, be more responsible, quit irritating everyone else, that everything would be perfect. Much energy goes into futile attempts to make the scapegoat behave or to putting out the fires that occur because the scapegoat acts out. And no one has to look at the real problem, the elephant in the living room, alcoholism.
Strangely, it is often the scapegoat that gets the family into treatment. Eventually their behavior comes to the attention of authorities who, if they understand dysfunctional family roles, may dig deeper and bring the secret to light. If this happens, family members can get help.
The Mascot Entertains
Keep 'em laughing. It often seems as if one child is born with an overactive sense of humor. A funnybone is a good thing, unless it is used to cover up and distract from serious feelings of fear, anger, and hurt. Children in the mascot role channel much of the family insanity into a carefree attitude which helps them survive when things are anything but carefree. The family clown is no doubt crying on the inside.
The Lost Child Fades Away
Most often surrounded by older and younger siblings, the lost or "quiet" child has trouble defining a role of his or her own. The quiet child's needs are ignored, lost in the hubbub of family dysfunction. No one notices she isn't complaining, not participating, and seems withdrawn and even depressed. The lost child's strategy is to not make waves, to keep quiet and hope she can control the outcome of fear-filled situations by becoming invisible. Believing the way to survive is to stay below the radar, the quiet child grows up lacking social skills and missing out on intimacy.
When Family Roles Shift
Older children eventually leave home, and not all families have four siblings...how are roles perpetuated then? Because children develop behaviors to some extent that match their personalities, roles will overlap at times and one child can take on a different role to adjust to family dynamics. Close friends and relatives sometimes fill family roles.
The greatest threat to family stasis is the very thing that can turn the situation around--the addict/alcoholic becoming clean and sober. Family members' needs at that time should not be ignored. Children may feel at a loss--the hero may have to give up power, the lost child doesn't know how to handle real affection, the scapegoat isn't sure who to be, and the mascot may feel overwhelmed now that serious issues are being confronted.
Children from dysfunctional families are at increased risk for alcoholism and drug addiction as adults, or they may choose life partners that are addicted. They can be helped by learning to identify and express emotions. In order to do this they need role models that validate their feelings. Journaling and art can be tools for self expression. It can be quite an adventure to discover one's true self and to form healthy relationships with others.
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