Being the Scapegoat

Scapegoating is a serious family dysfunctional problem with one member of the family or a social group being blamed for small things, picked on and constantly put down. In scapegoating, one of the authority figures has made a decision that somebody in the family has to be the bad guy. The mother or father makes one child bad and then looks for things (sometimes real, but most often imagined) that are wrong.

There are different reasons one child is singled out to be scapegoated. Perhaps the child is vulnerable. Or the child is hyperactive, noncompliant or acts out. Sometimes the scapegoated child is viewed as weak who cannot defend himself. At times the parent heaps on the blame because he cannot stand the child who has traits and characteristics that are similar to his own! Sometimes the child has personality traits that are similar to a disliked relative (She reminds me of my aunt Tillie who I never liked.) Other children in the family can pick up the scapegoating pattern and join in taunting and hurting the scapegoated child. In extremely dysfunctional families, the parent may goad the other children to pick on the disfavored one.

Sometimes one child is favored and given special status by the parent. This child can do no wrong according to the parent when they are growing up, but being the favorite backfires on them. Children who are favored often develop their own form of pathology in that they grow up feeling special and entitled. One woman said, “For years I resented my sister who my moved adored. I wished I had been special to my mother. Now I see how messed up my sister is and I’m glad I was not the chosen one of a very sick mother.”

All members of the family are affected. Children who are scapegoated often feel insecure and develop a victim mentality. They learn that they are at the bottom of the pecking order in the family and often automatically gravitate to that role at school or at work. This dynamic of making one child “good” and another child “bad” in the family is a vicious generational theme learned and passed down from parents to children.

Often an insecure parent will be aggressive with one of the children to vent his own sense of frustration at not doing well in life. Aggression in families creates decrease in self-esteem in the children. Aggression, the use of force against another human being, is always present in scapegoating. As Elizabeth A. Kaspar says, “The aggressive person is one who tries to dominate others. Aggressiveness, too, can take several forms. The aggressive person is frequently rude and humiliating, (e.g., “What do you mean, you aren’t going to do it?”), or the aggressive person can become self-righteous (e.g., “I am only insisting on this for your own good.”), or she/he can resort to being manipulative (e.g., “If you refuse, what will everyone think of you?”).”

Bullying is always scapegoating. Abuse is always scapegoating.

It seems as if we humans as a species seem to need someone to vent our anger on and make wrong. Scapegoating is a projection defense. It is the ego saying “If I can put the blame on you, I don’t have to recognize and take responsibility for the negative qualities in myself. What I can’t stand about myself, I really hate in you and have to attack you for it in order to deny that I have the same quality.”

Scapegoating is a huge social problem contributing to the hate that exists in the world. There is scapegoating of whole groups of people happens when there is prejudice or stereotyping. Unfortunately, in a larger sense, some Jewish people or other ethnic groups and minorities have been scapegoated by the lower conscious members of their culture.

Surprisingly there is not much research on scapegoating for all the damage that is does to families and to society. Here are some ideas from The Scapegoat Society, Forest Row, East Sussex, RH18 5JF, England. www.scapegoat.demon.co.uk

“Scapegoating is a hostile social - psychological discrediting routine by which people move blame and responsibility away from themselves and towards a target person or group. It is also a practice by which angry feelings and feelings of hostility may be projected, via inappropriate accusation, towards others. The target feels wrongly persecuted and receives misplaced vilification, blame and criticism; he is likely to suffer rejection from those who the perpetrator seeks to influence. Scapegoating has a wide range of focus: from "approved" enemies of very large groups of people down to the scapegoating of individuals by other individuals. Distortion is always a feature….

In scapegoating, feelings of guilt, aggression, blame and suffering are transferred away from a person or group so as to fulfill an unconscious drive to resolve or avoid such bad feelings. This is done by the displacement of responsibility and blame to another who serves as a target for blame both for the scapegoater and his supporters. The scapegoating process can be understood as an example of the Drama Triangle concept [Karpman, 1968].

The perpetrator's drive to displace and transfer responsibility away from himself may not be experienced with full consciousness - self-deception is often a feature. The target's knowledge that he is being scapegoated builds slowly and follows events. The scapegoater's target experiences exclusion, ostracism or even expulsion.

In so far as the process is unconscious it is more likely to be denied by the perpetrator. In such cases, any bad feelings - such as the perpetrator's own shame and guilt - are also likely to be denied. Scapegoating frees the perpetrator from some self-dissatisfaction and provides some narcissistic gratification to him. It enables the self-righteous discharge of aggression. Scapegoaters tend to have extra-punitive characteristics [Kraupl-Taylor, 1953]. ….On another view, scapegoaters are insecure people driven to raise their own status by lowering the status of their target …”

What Should You Do if You Are or Were Mean to One of your Children?

Understand the dynamics and deal with your anger. Examine family patterns of favoritism and placing the blame on one child. Do a web search on The Drama Triangle. Take responsibility for your actions. Apologize to the mistreated child (even if they are an adult now) and stop playing favorites. Get into therapy and learn to live with yourself and family members in more productive ways.

What Should You Do if You Notice Someone Being Scapegoated?

If you know a child who suffers from scapegoating, show him or her some extra attention and be reassuring that the rest of the world does not see him as “bad.” Stand up and speak out against injustice when you can saying, “Hey that’s not fair. Leave him/her alone.” Get other family members to join you in insisting on fairness—there is strength in numbers. Break the destructive silence--when necessary, report abuse to the authorities. Become a mentor and act as a positive role model so that he can learn to see himself as a valuable person in his own right. Some children from dysfunctional families seek out more positive people to learn from. Do not let him accept the identity of being a bad person simply because a family member was a dysfunctional bully.

What Should You Do if You Were Mistreated?

If you recognize that certain people in your family or workplace always take the brunt of what is going, it is probably scapegoating. If this is your dynamic, you can learn what you do to perpetuate unconsciously to keep yourself a victim. Do whatever it takes to change this role of being blamed. If you were designated the black sheep of the family, then studying this dynamic is the way to release yourself from its poison. Learn to recognize the negative family patterns of blame and shame and vow to stop doing them in this generation!

Stop trying to win the favor of a parent who did not like you when you were growing up. A parent who rejects their child has some severe personality disturbance and is not likely to change. The best you can do is understand the underlying dynamic of your parent and try to come to peace with this on your own. Don’t expect your parent to “own” up to their mistreatment. Most likely, they will only deny and blame you again for being ungrateful. Some children who were scapegoated have as little to do with the abusive parent as they can when they grow up. Refusing to remain in an abusive situation is a healthy choice.

Do some reading to explore how scapegoating may have affected not only your own personality, but also others in your family. Do a web search on assertive behavior to learn to challenge others putting you down. Take an assertive class and learn to set boundaries to other’s inappropriate behavior.

Here is a bill or rights from an anonymous source for the meek and mild who have grown up allowing others to be mean to them:

I AM MY OWN AUTHORITY

Anonymous

I must give myself the right to be me – to function as I see fit. It is impossible to have a sound self-concept until I am true to myself and accept full responsibility for my own individual life, my own need fulfillment. At any instant I can start a new life.

I ALLOW MYSELF THE FREEDOM – I DEMAND OF MYSELF THE RIGHT:

To recognize myself as the most important and interesting person in the world – a unique and precious part of life.

To feel warm and happy, kind and living toward myself.

To realize that at my divine center I am no better or worse, or more or less important, than anyone else in the entire world.

To be different, to make mistakes, to be “wrong,” to be inadequate.

To take the time and effort to fulfill my own needs.

To be happy and free – to be harmonious and effective – to succeed.

To be open and kind, loving and lovable – compassionate and helpful.

To be keenly sensitive and aware – radiantly healthy and energetic.

To do less than perfect – to be inefficient, to procrastinate, to “goof off,” to kill time.

To perceive myself as an absolute “nothing” – unworthy and unneeded.

To have “unacceptable” thoughts, images, desire and experiences.

To allow others to make mistakes, to be “wrong” – to be ignorant, to be “screwed-up.”

To act spontaneously, to resist, to change my mind, to be stubborn.

To be emotional – to love, to cry, to be angry, to be selfish and uncaring.

To drop all masks and images – to not fulfill other’s expectations and images of me.

To be criticized condemned, disapproved, disliked and unwanted.

To fail and to learn from it.

To be loyal, courageous, and exceptional – in both my person and my work.

To accept my own authority – to follow my own “knowing.”

I allow myself complete freedom and I recognize that I am inescapably responsible for all my decisions and actions. For I must inevitably pay the price incurred. I profit or suffer, learn and grow according to the “nature and consequences” of my act. I realize that “good and evil,” right and wrong,” are but intellectual concepts, for there is only wisdom and unwisdom, only wise and unwise acts.

Therefore, prior to serious decisions I ask myself, “Is this act wise? (i.e., will it injure myself or others – will it contribute to my basic needs – is it in alignment with the laws and forces of life?) What is the total price involved? Can I afford to pay it? And,am I willing to accept the consequences?”

I know that in the final analysis I need answer only to myself and that I have all the time there is for my total unfoldment – that at worst I can only postpone my ultimate reunion with the Infinite. However, wisdom and love, freedom and joy beckon me onward and I choose to proceed as rapidly as my prevailing perception and wisdom allow.

Pair - Compulsive Lying Personality & Shame

Do you see what direction I might be taking now?  Of course - those of you that struggle with the idea of someone compulsively lying for no apparent reason perhaps you can get a better understanding of the 'whys'.  Shame.

NOTE:  Of course this does not apply to the pure sociopath at all.  They operate within their world's w/o any emotional attachment to people other than themselves.  They purely operate for their own purpose/good/goals - which often include gaining pleasure from other's pain.

Perhaps if you would take what I am saying about all this 'shame' stuff - maybe even give me the benefit of the doubt that I might really know what I am talking about within this realm...You can then start understanding why someone might have begun lying and just never stopped...But to do that I would encourage you to review the information I have offered you on both Shame and Dishonesty & you can begin putting the puzzle together for yourself. 

People who tend to lie - tend to try and diminish any trouble they might get into as well as often try desperately to build their own selves up when they come into contact with others.  Being in the presence of others often tends to make the 'liar' feel inadequate, not good-enough, or somehow not valid as a human being.  So they build a world of their own in which they can somehow feel on par with others.  These feelings of inadequacy begin in childhood and can go undetected by others throughout a life-span.  However the 'liar' feels the deep pain of inadequacy to their core and tries to modulate it in order to function.  The whole experience is extremely demeaning perpetrating the dysfunctional and self-destructive behavior of dishonesty further.

NOTE:  I also am not talking about the individual who cheats on their significant other in order to cheat on them....I am talking about the individual who for no apparent reason can spontaneously make up u untruths and seems unable to stop this behavior. 

So how do you think about the lying behavior now?

Just Sayin' - shame might be a landmine indeed.

Dignity VS Indignity

Dignity
The quality of worth and honor intrinsic to every person

Dignity—the quality of worth and honor intrinsic to every person—establishes basic entitlements that are the unalienable birthright of every human. It is our intrinsic legitimacy. We are worthy simply because we exist. Dignity is the threshold level of status required to meet basic human needs. It establishes the basic boundaries of humanity. Indignity—trespassing into the territory established by dignity—is the essence of insult,humiliation, and the root of anger, shame, and hate. This trespass is the basic tool of tyranny, oppression, and coercion. All of history is the quest for dignity. We are worthy simply because we are alive; it is a cruel injustice to deny someone their inalienable worth. Dignity is a congruencebetween the respect we demonstrate and the intrinsic legitimacy of each person. The intrinsic worth of humans is acknowledged whenever we fawn over newborn babies. Although the infant has not yet accomplished anything, it is universally regarded as precious and worthy of care, attention, and respect. This is the distinction between human being and human doing. Each dimension of basic dignity needs to be adequately addressed. Compensating for a deficiency in one area by providing abundance in other areas does not work. For example, excess food cannot compensate for a lack of air or autonomy. Denying this leads to many imbalances and disorders, such as excessive eating in a futile attempt to make up for loneliness.   The following chart is an attempt to create a standard, or operational definition, for dignity so it can be described, assessed, and measured. Here basic human dignity is defined by the “Dignity-Human Treatment” column. If a person has everything in that column, they can thrive. If they have less than that, they have fallen into the “Indignity-Inhuman Treatment” column and they lack basic human needs. Levels of comfort and privilege are defined by abundance and even excess beyond the basic needs. While the “haves” in this world struggle to increase their stature, the “have nots” struggle to attain dignity. Depriving a person of their dignity is a very serous assault and it can unleash powerful passions of anger,vengeance, and vindictiveness in the victim. Humiliation and shame fuel violence. Insults are very dangerous. Dignity - Human Treatment Indignity - Inhuman Treatment Adequate: Clean air Clean water Nutritious food Shelter Rest Autonomy Privacy Personal space Personal information Freedom of thought and opinion Freedom of speech and expression Mobility Responsibility Security and safety Relatedness Caring touch Recognition by others Caring for others Cared for by others Competence Meaningful work Appropriate challenges Access to: Healthcare Education and information Equal protection of the law Denied the attributes of dignity. Victims of: Depravation; inadequate water, food, shelter, Inattention, being ignored, Insult, or Humiliation, Ridicule, harassment, bullying Assault, Deceit, manipulation, or cheating, Tyranny, Oppression, Slavery, Torture, Coercion, Denied or abridged human rights. Dignity for Your Self   Dignity is your birthright. Simply because you exist you are worthy and have every right to hold these powerful and profound beliefs about your self: I have every right to exist, to live, and to thrive. I am worthy of life. I accept my self. All human beings, including me, are born free and equal in dignity and rights. My life is important. I have a right and responsibility to live my life to its fullest potential. I have a right to be successful and happy, to feel worthy and deserving, and to request and pursue my needs and wants. I am autonomous; I am free to make my own decisions and choose my actions.  I hold myselfresponsible for those decisions and actions. I am competent to think for myself, face the basic challenges of life, and succeed at those challenges. I can trust my own mind and my own thoughts. I respect myself, I respect you, and I deserve your symmetrical respect of me. My life is mine to live, not yours to play with. I am not anyone's property or toy. It is OK for me to have fun. Play is essential for development, learning, growth, creativity, and innovation. I am lovable, admirable, and powerful. My observations and viewpoint are valid. I see what I see and know what I know without requiring further validation. Similarly, your viewpoint is also valid. I am free to choose my own beliefs. I learn from my mistakes. I am better off admitting and correcting my mistakes than pretending they do not exist. I have a right to express myself and I am responsible for what I say, when I say it, and how I say it. I was born free of sin. I have the right to resist unreasonable trespass. Quotations: “All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.” ~ The United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights. “Hunger with dignity is preferable to bread eaten in slavery.” ~ Frantz Fanon “The terrible thing about class in our society is that it sets up a contest for dignity.” ~ Richard Sennett “Brute force, no matter how strongly applied, can never subdue the basic desire for freedom and dignity.” ~ Gandhi “Man – is his dignity.” ~ Simon Soloveychik “All of history is the quest for dignity.” ~ Leland R. Beaumont “Never take a person's dignity; it is worth everything to them, and nothing to you.” ~ Frank Barron “You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.” ~ from the poem Desiderata Your freedom ends where mine begins, and mine ends where yours begins. “Only a just peace based on the inherent rights and dignity of every individual can truly be lasting.” ~ Barack Obama References:   Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation, by Edward L. Deci, Richard Flaste Somebodies and Nobodies: Overcoming the Abuse of Rank, by Robert W. Fuller The United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Breaking ranks: Dignity describing a universal right. [Sen] The Hidden Injuries of Class, by Richard Sennett, Jonathan Cobb Dignity, a Wikiversity course. The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes, by William Ury Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, by Nathaniel Branden Just Sayin' - shame again...

The Lying Workbook - How to Stop

New workbooks coming this week:  Finally we are addressing these troubling behaviors!

'Begin Telling The Truth' & 

'Getting In Control of Anger'

addictions.net

Intermittent Explosive Disorder - A Wicked Problem

Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Uncontrollable episodes of aggression, where the person loses control and assaults others or destroys property.

Persons with this disorder experience episodes of aggressive or violent behavior that result in assault of a person or animal or the destruction of property. These intense episodes occur spontaneously, not in response to provocation or threat, and individuals often express regret as soon as the episode ends. Usually he or she does not exhibit aggressive tendencies between episodes. This disorder can appear at any age, but is more common in adolescence through the 20s, and is more common in males. This disorder is believed to be rare, and reliable statistics on the frequency of occurrence are not available.

Aggression Definition

Aggressive behavior is reactionary and impulsive behavior that often results in breaking household rules or the law; aggressive behavior is violent and unpredictable. 

Frustration, resentment and anger are often generated by what Buddha called desire or attachment, which is the expectation that life will work out as we wish. Dr. Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) similarly recognized the frustrating nature of irrational cognitions like "life should be fair." And anger can be and is often used by some (not unlike a drug) to cover up painful feelings, fear, anxiety, vulnerability and shame. Popular recovery counselor John Bradshaw refers to such bellicose individuals as "rageaholics." The best defense is a good offense. Certainly, much anger and resentment also stems from an underlying matrix of neurotic narcissism and grandiose sense of entitlement in adolescents and adults. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, is defined by the DSM-IV-TR as "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy " and commonly includes a sense of entitlement, interpersonal exploitation, and preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited power, fame, brilliance, success,  beauty or ideal love. For the narcissist, it's all about me, my needs, what I want, my ego gratification. Such pathological narcissism and can be seen as a pervasive characterological defense compensating against profound feelings of inferiority, helplessness, sadness, and unlovability stemming from certain fundamental infantile and childhood needs having never been adequately met. When this over-inflated persona is inevitably deflated by stressful life events like divorce, rejection, abandonment, failure, aging and loss, narcissistic rage is triggered, along with other long-buried emotions. The burning desire for revenge, retaliation, and the compulsive need to vengefully repay the hurt, slight or insult no matter what it takes or costs is the central characteristic of narcissistic rage. These fiery, often overpowering emotional reactions can sometimes get so intense as to precipitate a major depressive, manic or even psychotic episode ("madness"), causing clinically significant temporary impairment of perception, rationality, judgment and impulse control. In such extremely debilitating, disorienting and dangerous states of mind, almost anything can happen. And often does.

Who is to blame for this problem? Well, in part, we all are. To the extent our society condemns and denigrates the affect of anger as negative, worthless or evil, ignoring and denying its positive potentialities, we are partially responsible for the subsequent carnage. To the extent mental health professionals continue to avoid confronting anger head on in our patients, choosing instead to try to drug, behaviorally modify or cognitively restructure the demon of anger away, we clinicians too are compounding the problem. Whatever our own complicity in this evil on the part of society, psychology and psychiatry, clearly the primary responsibility for violent behavior falls on the perpetrators shoulders. No matter what his or her childhood circumstances or subsequent traumatic experiences, adults are responsible for how they deal with their own history and their negative feelings about that history. Not addressing an anger disorder by denying its existence or refusing professional assistance is no excuse for the consequences of not doing so.

What can be done to contain the rage epidemic? When it comes to dealing effectively with anger disorders, so-called "anger management" classes are no substitute for intensive psychotherapy. In psychotherapy, the single most powerful, healing and difficult intervention the clinician can offer is to listen to the angry patient, and to acknowledge and accept his or her rage. Anger and rage have to first be validated, expressed, tolerated and understood before the underlying affects or distorted cognitions can be constructively addressed. The dilemma is that most mental health professionals tend to dread, denigrate and demonize anger, dismissing it as an inappropriate, destructive, negative and neurotic emotion. But anger is an appropriate, natural, normal and healthy response to frustration, injury, insult, and anything that threatens one's survival or psychological integrity. We need to be able to get angry at life's obstacles, challenges and assaults. Anger can bestow necessary strength, courage and tenacity in the face of adversity. When we are socialized to view getting angry as negative, evil, immoral or unspiritual, as so many of us have been, we automatically repress our anger--as we repress other impulses or passions of which we are ashamed. This is exactly what Jung describes as the shadow and Rollo May described as the daimonic: those aspects of human experience we find unacceptable, reject, banish and quarantine to unconsciousness. Anger is commonly experienced (if it is consciously experienced at all) as a shameful, frightening, negative emotion which must be hidden from others, and often, even from ourselves. The last thing therapists should do when working with angry patients is to further shame, criticize or punish them for feeling angry.

Bad behavior when furious is another matter, and must be firmly confronted. Evil deeds and destructiveness toward self or others cannot be condoned. These are neurotic forms of acting out, and function as a defense mechanism against fully experiencing that which underlies the anger or toward whom the anger is truly directed. Still, it is through first acknowledging, confronting, articulating and accepting the anger that the patient can become more conscious of what truly lies behind it, what drives and triggers it. Anger is not something that can be avoided or circumvented during the psychotherapy process. Anger is the alchemical key to the healing process, the exclusion, suppression or minimization of which impedes rather than promotes therapeutic progress. Without a courageous willingness to deal directly with the daimonic passions of anger or rage in treatment rather than trying merely to manage or defuse them cognitively, behaviorally or pharmacologically, psychotherapists cannot facilitate the deep emotional healing such patients seek. Instead, we unwittingly contribute to the growing epidemic of anger, rage, hostility, bitterness and destructive behavior.

Description

Aggression can a problem for children with both normal development and those with psychosocial disturbances. Aggression constitutes intended harm to another individual, even if the attempt to harm fails (such as a bullet fired from a gun that misses its human target). There is no single theory about the causes of aggressive behavior in humans. Some believe aggression is innate or instinctive. Social theorists suggest the breakdown in commonly shared values, changes in traditional family patterns of child-rearing, and social isolation lead to increasing aggression in children, adolescents, and adults. Aggression in children correlates with family unemployment, strife, criminality, and psychiatric disorders.

Differences exist between levels of aggression in boys and girls in the same families. Boys are almost always more aggressive than girls. Larger children are more aggressive than smaller ones. Active and intrusive children are also more aggressive than passive or reserved ones.

Aggressive behavior may be intentional or unintentional. Many hyperactive, clumsy children are accidentally aggressive, but their intentions are compassionate. Careful medical evaluation and diagnostic assessments distinguish between intentional behaviors and the unintentional behaviors of emotionally disturbed children.

Children in all age groups learn that aggressive behavior is a powerful way to communicate their wishes or deal with their likes and dislikes.

Infancy

Infants are aggressive when they are hungry, uncomfortable, fearful, angry, or in pain. Parents can tell what babies need by the loudness and pitch of crying and the flailing of arms and legs. Crying is an infant's defense, the way to communicate feelings and needs.

Toddlers

Children between two and four years of age show aggressive outbursts such as temper tantrums and hurting others or damaging toys and furniture because they are frustrated. Usually the aggression in this age group is expressed toward parents as a way to get their compliance with the child's wishes. Verbal aggression increases as vocabulary increases.

Preschool

Children between four and five years of age can be aggressive toward their siblings and peers. Because of greater social interaction, children need to learn the differences between real and imaginary insults, as well as the difference between standing up for their rights and attacking in anger.

School-age and adolescence

Aggressive boys between three to six years of age are likely to carry their behavior style into adolescence. In extreme cases, they may show aggression by purse snatching, muggings, or robbery, or in less overt ways by persistent truancy, lying, and vandalism. Girls younger than six years of age who have aggressive styles toward their peers do not tend to continue being aggressive when they are older, and their earlier aggression does not correlate with adult competitiveness.

Common problems

Frustration is a response to conditions that keep children from achieving goals important to self-esteem. Frustration and aggression are closely associated. If children learn that being aggressive when frustrated is tolerated or gives them special treatment, the behavior is reinforced and may be repeated. Aggression may be a way for children to face obstacles or solve problems. It is important not to attribute malice to children who are responding to anxiety, feelings of incompetence, or a sense of low self-esteem.

Through the media, including film, the U.S. culture reinforces violence and aggressive behavior in children. Police brutality, crime-based television programs, and governmental reliance on military aggression to solve political and economic differences all create a climate in which violence is presented to children as a legitimate solution to problems.

Violent behavior in children and adolescents

CULTURAL VIOLENCE Violence includes a wide range of behaviors: explosive temper tantrums, physical aggression, fighting, and threats or attempts to hurt others (including homicidal thoughts). Violent behaviors also include the use of weapons, cruelty toward animals, setting fires, and other intentional forms of destruction of property.

PREDISPOSITION TO VIOLENCE Some children are supersensitive, easily offended, and quick to anger. Many children are tense and unusually active, even as infants. They are often more difficult to soothe and settle as babies. Beginning in the preschool years, they are violent toward other children, adults, and even animals. They often lash out suddenly, sometimes for no obvious reason. When they hurt someone in their anger, they tend not to be sorry and may tend not to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they blame others for their own actions. Parent should give this behavior serious attention and take measures to correct it.

Children may go through a brief period of aggressive behavior if they are worried, tired, or stressed. If the behavior continues for more than a few weeks, parents should talk to the pediatrician. If it becomes a daily pattern for more than three to six months, it could be a serious problem.

Factors that increase risk of violent behavior

Parents and teachers should be careful not to play down aggressive behaviors in children. In fact, certain factors put some children at risk for developing violent behaviors as adults. These factors include the following:

• being the victim of physical and sexual abuse
• exposure to violence in the home and community
• exposure to violence in media (TV, movies)
• use of drugs and alcohol
• presence of firearms in home
• combination of stressful family socioeconomic factors (poverty, severe deprivation, marital breakup, single parenting, unemployment, loss of support from extended family)
• brain injury

Parents can teach children nonviolence by controlling their own tempers. If parents express anger in quiet, assertive ways, children may follow their parent's example. Children need to understand when they have done something wrong so they can learn to take responsibility for their actions and learn ways to make amends. Responsible parenting does not to tolerate violence or use it in any way.

Violence prevention strategies

Efforts should be directed at dramatically decreasing the exposure of children and adolescents to violence in the home, community, and through the media. Clearly, violence leads to violence. Parents can use the following strategies to reduce or prevent violent behavior:

• prevent child abuse in the home
• provide sex education and parenting programs for adolescents
• provide early intervention programs for violent youngsters
• monitor children's TV programs, videos, and movies

The most important step that parents can take with aggressive children is to set firm, consistent limits and be sure that everyone caring for the children acts in accord with the parents' rules and expectations.

Parents should know the importance of helping children find ways to deal with anger without resorting to violence. Children can learn to say no to their peers, and they can learn how to settle differences with words instead of physical aggression. When children control their violent impulses, they should be praised.

Parental concerns

All children have feelings of anger and aggression. Children need to learn positive ways to express these feelings and to negotiate for what they want while maintaining respect for others. Parents can help their children develop judgment, self discipline, and the other tools children need to express feelings in more acceptable ways and to live with others in a safe way.

Understanding the aggressive child

When children lose their sense of connection to others, they may feel tense, frightened, or isolated. These are the times when they may unintentionally lash out at other children, even children to whom they are close. Parents should be careful not to let children think aggression is acceptable.

When children are overcome with feelings of isolation or despair, they may run for the nearest safe person and begin to cry. They immediately release the terrible feelings, trusting that they are safe from danger and criticism. Effective parents listen and allow the child to vent without becoming alarmed.

Disciplining aggressive behavior

Parents can control the aggressive child in various ways. They should intervene quickly but calmly to interrupt the aggression and prevent the their child from hurting another child. Younger children may need a time-out to calm down and before rejoining a group. Simple rules about appropriate behavior are easier for a child to understand than lengthy explanations. Parents can affirm feelings while stressing that all feelings cannot be acted upon.

Parents can reach older children with eye contact, a stern voice, and physical contact. Older children can be told that they need to learn a better way to handle conflicts. Parents can suggest that, for instance, the child ask an adult to intervene before lashing out at a classmate. Any disciplinary measures should be explained as a simple consequence to the child's aggression.

When parents arrive after conflict occurs, it may be useful to listen to the child's explanation. Having a parent listen can encourage the child to develop trust in the parent.

Parents should not expect the aggressive child to be reasonable when he or she is upset. The child may need time to calm down. Sometimes the child may feel trapped and may need adult support. Parents should encourage the aggressive child to come to them when they are upset, hopefully before violence occurs.

KEY TERMS

Anxiety—Worry or tension in response to real or imagined stress, danger, or dreaded situations. Physical reactions, such as fast pulse, sweating, trembling, fatigue, and weakness, may accompany anxiety.
Consequences—Events that occur immediately after the target behavior.
Misbehavior—Behavior outside the norms of acceptance within the group.
Time-out—A discipline strategy that entails briefly isolating a disruptive child in order to interrupt and avoid reinforcement of negative behavior.

BOOKS

Davis, Jean Q. Anger, Aggression, and Adolescents. New York: Pantheon Books, 2004.
Delfos, Martine F. Anxiety, ADHD, Depression, and Aggression in Childhood: Guidelines for Diagnostics and Treatment. Herndon, VA: Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2003.
Valkenburg, Pattie M. Children's Responses to the Screen: A Media Psychological Approach. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates, 2004.

ORGANIZATIONS

Parents Leadership Institute. PO Box 1279, Palo Alto, CA 94302. Web site: .

WEB SITES

"Understanding Violent Behavior in Children and Adolescents." American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, March 2001. Available online at (accessed December 12, 2004).

Impulse Control Disorders

A psychological disorder characterized by the repeated inability to refrain from performing a particular action that is harmful either to oneself or others.

Impulse control disorders are thought to have both neurological and environmental causes and are known to be exacerbated by stress. Some mental health professionals regard several of these disorders, such as compulsive gambling or shopping, as addictions. In impulse control disorder, the impulse action is typically preceded by feelings of tension and excitement and followed by a sense of relief and gratification, often—but not always—accompanied by guilt or remorse. Researchers have discovered a link between the control of impulses and the neurotransmitter serotonin, a chemical agent secreted by nerve cells in the brain. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), medications such as Prozac that are used to treat depression and other disorders, have been effective in the treatment of impulse control disorders. The American Psychiatric Associationpyromanía, trichotillomania (compulsive hair-pulling), intermittent explosive disorder, kleptomania, pathological gambling, and other impulse-control disorders not otherwise specified. The first three of these disorders are known to affect children and/or adolescents. describes several impulse control disorders:

Pyromania involves the repeated setting of fires for no specific reason (such as sabotage or revenge). Rather, the pyromaniac is someone who tends to have a fascination with fire itself, often expressed as an interest in firefighters and their procedures and equipment. It is not uncommon for a pyromaniac to set a fire, report it himself, and then watch as firefighters put it out, even offering to assist them. Pyromania can occur in a child as young as age three, although it is rare at any age and even rarer in childhood. While children and adolescents account for over 40% of those arrested for arson in the United States, only a small percent of fires set by young people indicate the presence of pyromania. Juvenile fire-setting is usually attributed to more generalized conditions characterized by a broad range of impulsive and/or antisocial behavior, such as conduct or adjustment disorders attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

Of those persons diagnosed with pyromania, the vast majority—some 90%—are male. Pyromaniacs have feelings of sadness and loneliness that eventually give way to rage, for which setting fires serves as an outlet. Some researchers have linked pyromania to victims of child abuse. Persons affected by this disorder often suffer from other behavioral problems and also tend to have learning disabilities and attention disorders. Often, children who set fires also have a history of cruelty to animals. Some common biological characteristics have been discovered in pyromaniacs, including abnormalities in the levels of the neurotransmitters norepinephrine and serotonin, which may be related to problems with impulse control, and low blood sugar levels.

Pyromania has responded to behavioral treatment designed to increase a person's awareness of the emotions that lead up to a fire-setting episode and provide alternate ways of dealing with them. Often this type of therapy is followed by a more psychodynamically oriented approach that deals with the deeper underlying problems that arouse the negative emotions associated with the disorder. Family therapy has been particularly successful with children, as have community-based intervention programs, some of which have the youngsters spend some time with firefighters who can serve as positive role models and help build their self-esteem. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are also used to treat pyromania. Childhood pyromania responds well to treatment and is eradicated in about 95% of children who demonstrate signs of the disorder.

Trichotillomania is the name given to compulsive hair-pulling not caused by any other condition, such as schizophrenia. In children, it occurs equally among males and females; in adults, it is much more common in females. Statistics on the incidence of trichotillomania are scant, for most people affected by it do not seek professional help. However, a well-documented survey taken on a college campus found between 1-2% of students affected by this disorder, with the incidence in females as high as 3.4%, more than twice that in males. Another study found trichotillomania to be about one-fifth as prevalent as nail-biting, a habit practiced by 20% of Americans, which would place the incidence of trichotillomania at 4% of the population. The primary ages of onset are between 5-8 years of age and 13. Many young children exhibit harmless hair-pulling (often in conjunction with thumb-sucking) that stops by the age of six. However, some continue to revert to this habit in times of stress, a tendency that can eventually lead to trichotillomania. In some individuals the condition is episodic, while in others it continues steadily for long periods of time.

In trichotillomania, hair is most often pulled from the scalp, resulting in bald patches, but it can also be pulled from the eyebrows, eyelashes, beard, torso, armpits, or pubic area. The hair may be pulled in short repeated episodes or for hours at a time. Hair-pulling is often accompanied by other actions, including chewing on or swallowing the pulled hair, called tricophagia. Trichotillomania has been associated with depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), but it is still recognized as a disorder distinct from these conditions. It has been linked neurologically to distinctive patterns of glucose metabolization and is thought to have a genetic component. Effective drug treatments include selective SSRIs (particularly Prozac), lithium, and SSRIs in combination with the drug pimozide (Orap), which affect the brain chemical dopamine. Psychotherapy has proven more effective in children with the condition than in adolescents or adults. In some cases, hypnosis is used to break the habit and explore any underlying emotional problem that may be at its root.

Intermittent explosive disorder was only recently recognized as an impulse-control disorder. It is characterized by violent and aggressive outbursts of temper that are significantly disproportionate to the events that trigger them. These outbursts often result in property damage and/or personal injury. Occurring mostly in teenagers and young adults, it is four times as common in men as in women and appears to have a genetic component, as evidenced by multigenerational family histories of violence. The outbursts of temper that characterize intermittent explosive disorder, like the symptoms of other impulse control disorders, are often followed by feelings of relief and eventual remorse. Treatment consists of both therapy and medication. Antipsychotic drugs, anticonvulsants, betablockers, lithium, and benzodiazepines have all shown to alleviate the symptoms of this disorder.

A condition not listed by the American Psychiatric Association that some experts consider an impulse-control disorder is repetitive self-mutilation, in which people intentionally harm themselves by cutting, burning, or scratching their bodies. Other forms of repetitive self-mutilation include sticking oneself with needles, punching or slapping the face, and swallowing harmful substances. Self-mutilation tends to occur in persons who have suffered traumas early in life, such as sexual abuse or the death of a parent, and often has its onset at times of unusual stress. In many cases, the triggering event is a perceived rejection by a parent or romantic interest. Characteristics commonly seen in persons with this disorder include perfectionism, dissatisfaction with one's physical appearance, and difficulty controlling and expressing emotions. It is often seen in conjunction with schizophrenia, post-traumatic stress syndrome, and various personality disorders. Usual onset is late childhood or early adolescence; it is more frequent in females than in males.

Those who consider self-mutilation an impulse control disorder do so because, like the other conditions that fall into this category, it is a habitual, harmful activity. Victims often claim that it is accompanied by feelings of excitement, and that it reduces or relieves negative feelings such as tension, anger, anxiety, depression, and loneliness. They also describe it as addictive. Self-mutilating behavior may occur in episodes, with periods of remission, or may be continuous over a number of years. Repetitive self-mutilation often worsens over time, resulting in increasingly serious forms of injury that may culminate in suicide. Treatment includes both psychotherapy and medication. The SSRI Clomipramine (Anafranil), often used to treat obsessive-compulsive disorder, has also been found effective in treating repetitive self-mutilation. Behavioral therapy can teach persons with this disorder certain techniques they can use to block the impulse to harm themselves, such as spending more time in public places (because self-mutilating behavior is almost always practiced secretly), using music to alter the mental state that leads to self-mutilation, and wearing protective garments to prevent or lessen injury. In-depth psychodynamic therapy can help persons with the disorder express the feelings that lead them to harm themselves.

Books

Gaynor, Jessica, and Chris Hatcher. The Psychology of Child Firesetting: Detection and Intervention. New York: Bruner/Mazel, 1987.

Koziol, Leonard F., Chris E. Stout, and Douglas H. Ruben, eds. Handbook of Childhood Impulse Disorders and ADHD: Theory and Practice. Springfield, IL: C.C. Thomas, 1993.

Rider, Anthony Olen. The Firesetter: A Psychological Profile. Washington, D.C.: Federal Bureau of Investigation, U.S. Department of Justice, 1984.

Stein, D. J., ed. Impulsivity and Aggression. Chichester, NY: Wiley, 1995.