Addiction (of all kinds) Ruins Holidays

The holiday season often finds families with cherished memories, warmth and happiness. For many families though, nothing destroys this season more than alcohol or drugs.During the holidays, adults and children alike spend time with family and friends and reflect upon their lives in the spirit of the season - a spirit of gratitude and joy and looking forward to a new year of health and prosperity. Many families, though, spend this season in pain - great emotional pain. Instead of joy and comfort, they experience tension, sadness and despair. The excitement of the season is overshadowed by the realities of alcohol or drug addiction. Often it may be fear of abusive behavior, the loss of money needed for family support, embarrassment from having family and friends know, or it may be from the deep emotional pain that always accompanies addiction.

A Family Disease

According to Al-Anon and Al-Ateen, it is estimated that each alcoholic affects the lives of at least four other people. As many as one in four families suffer from alcoholism or another chemical dependency. Addiction is a family disease and often the family members suffer as much if not more than the addicted person himself or herself.

Emotional Pain and Alcohol Related Family Problems

Family members may laugh on the outside, but feel great pain on the inside. Their dreams of life's promises are too often lost in the realities of dependency. Nowhere is this more pronounced than during the holiday season - a time when traditions and customs should bring great joy to all families.
People tend to drink more during the holiday season - both social drinkers and people who are chemically dependent. As such, there are simply more alcohol related problems and accidents during the holiday season. Alcohol intoxication can also have a direct toxic effect on the family - it can disrupt family communication, cause conflict in the family, disrupt family routines and traditions, can lead into emotional neglect or physical abuse, and in general make home life unhappy.

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Drinking Guidelines

This holiday season, remember that people do not have to celebrate with alcohol. In fact, one-third of adults do not drink alcohol at all - and they have positive and happy lives. If an adult chooses to drink, he or she should follow the prescribed guidelines for alcohol consumption: a man should never have more than two standard drinks in any single day, or a woman no more than one drink. Some people should not drink at all, including pregnant women, youth under the age of 21, those in recovery, people with a family history of alcoholism including children of alcoholics, people taking medications, or those involved with risky activities such as driving.

Reaching Out for Help

Remember also that if there is an alcohol or drug problem, then a conscious effort must be made to stop all use - and that means by reaching out for help. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive and often fatal disease. Each New Year, resolutions are made to quit drinking, but without help even the most serious and conscious attempts usually fade away. People need help to quite drinking - either from a professional agency or through a 12-Step fellowship such as Alcoholics Anonymous.
Holidays are a time for celebration, gratitude, charity and hope. Too often, though, alcohol and drugs mar a family’s happiness during the holiday season. If a person or a family member has a problem with alcohol, they should call a local treatment agency or Alcoholics Anonymous. Help can also be found at the Helpline of the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) at 800-662-HELP (4357). Holidays are for enjoyment - and this is best by keeping families safe, healthy and drug-free.

Addictive disease affects all members of the family

Addictive disease affects all members of the family. Dysfunctional families take on specific roles in order to cope. The balance is easily shifted by crisis

Values and boundaries? Growing up in an alcoholic/addict home those things are a mystery. Life is unpredictable, and children develop coping mechanisms to survive. Part of that complex process are well-defined and rigid roles that make sense out of chaos. By examining these roles and the motivation behind them, hope and a new sense of freedom and flexibility is possible.

The Hero Saves the Day

There is one super-responsible child in every dysfunctional family. Usually, it is the oldest child, but if the second child is a girl she may take on the hero role. She takes care of younger siblings, cooks, cleans, shops and manages money and household tasks. The hero often becomes the unwitting confidant of a parent and has few friends her own age. There is much praise and approval from parents and outsiders for heroes. Many people do not understand the inappropriateness and weight of this role for children.

Another form the hero role takes is the super-achiever child, who may excel at sports and is driven to achieve high academic marks. The perfectionism inherent in this role creates problems when an adult child cannot control the lives of everyone around him. He means well, but often his efforts meet with resentment and his own feelings stay buried. Heroes are certain they have to earn the right to be loved, and to be happy. They equate doing enough with being enough. Their strategy to fix the family is to work as hard as they can so the family will look and be better.

The Scapegoat Takes the Blame

Who did it? That's easy! The dysfunctional family is in denial--no one wants to admit that drug and alcohol addictions cause all the problems. One member of the family accepts the role of responsibility for everyone's feelings of frustration. Parents and other siblings, and perhaps the scapegoat himself, believe that "if only" this child would stop getting into trouble, try harder, be more responsible, quit irritating everyone else, that everything would be perfect. Much energy goes into futile attempts to make the scapegoat behave or to putting out the fires that occur because the scapegoat acts out. And no one has to look at the real problem, the elephant in the living room, alcoholism.

Strangely, it is often the scapegoat that gets the family into treatment. Eventually their behavior comes to the attention of authorities who, if they understand dysfunctional family roles, may dig deeper and bring the secret to light. If this happens, family members can get help.

The Mascot Entertains

Keep 'em laughing. It often seems as if one child is born with an overactive sense of humor. A funnybone is a good thing, unless it is used to cover up and distract from serious feelings of fear, anger, and hurt. Children in the mascot role channel much of the family insanity into a carefree attitude which helps them survive when things are anything but carefree. The family clown is no doubt crying on the inside.

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The Lost Child Fades Away

Most often surrounded by older and younger siblings, the lost or "quiet" child has trouble defining a role of his or her own. The quiet child's needs are ignored, lost in the hubbub of family dysfunction. No one notices she isn't complaining, not participating, and seems withdrawn and even depressed. The lost child's strategy is to not make waves, to keep quiet and hope she can control the outcome of fear-filled situations by becoming invisible. Believing the way to survive is to stay below the radar, the quiet child grows up lacking social skills and missing out on intimacy.

When Family Roles Shift

Older children eventually leave home, and not all families have four siblings...how are roles perpetuated then? Because children develop behaviors to some extent that match their personalities, roles will overlap at times and one child can take on a different role to adjust to family dynamics. Close friends and relatives sometimes fill family roles.

The greatest threat to family stasis is the very thing that can turn the situation around--the addict/alcoholic becoming clean and sober. Family members' needs at that time should not be ignored. Children may feel at a loss--the hero may have to give up power, the lost child doesn't know how to handle real affection, the scapegoat isn't sure who to be, and the mascot may feel overwhelmed now that serious issues are being confronted.

Children from dysfunctional families are at increased risk for alcoholism and drug addiction as adults, or they may choose life partners that are addicted. They can be helped by learning to identify and express emotions. In order to do this they need role models that validate their feelings. Journaling and art can be tools for self expression. It can be quite an adventure to discover one's true self and to form healthy relationships with others.