More on Pathological Lying

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Human beings are used to several bad habits. Most of these habits start in an early age perhaps in the childhood days. One such habit is the tendency to lie. Most of the cases are attached to child hood incidents. But there are different cases also. The habit may not sound so serious, but the after effects of this habit which can be better called as a disease is not small to neglect as such.

It is quite common that people lie at times to escape from some punishments. This is natural and will not have long lasting results as the effects are limited. But there are cases when people lie in a recursive fashion or they might lie always. This condition is often referred to as compulsive lying.

Compulsive lying starts when people lie for each and everything. They get a feeling that lie can always protect them. Then even in places where truth will help them, they will start lying. Thus they won’t say truth in any case. Thus compulsive liars are born.

Compulsive lying is developed as a disease. The most interesting thing is that compulsive liar himself won’t understand why he is telling lies at times. This will make people lose the trust in him. He will be looked upon with suspicious eyes.

The compulsive liar will find it difficult to get a return back to the case of telling lies. If in the initial stage, he was lying to escape from the punishment, after that he will do it thinking this is the right way. He fails to understand what is right and what is wrong.

Compulsive liars will be hated by all people. None will love to make companies with such people. They will be isolated from the main stream and they won’t get true friends. Their friends will start lying with them because they don’t trust their words and actions.

Compulsive lying can be treated with counselling or similar treatments. But the result is that all this will have only short range influence on the liar. To get lasting results, the best method is hypnosis. The treatment is done with the help of hypnosis CD. People will have serious changes when they listen to this CD.

Hypnosis CD and mp3 will act on the minds of the compulsive liar. They will bring about changes in his mind. When he give his complete concentration and starts to follow the instructions, the tendency slowly fades away. The mind will be relaxed. He can easily analyse what is right and what is wrong. He will understand the importance of truth in life.

All bad habits are the results of man’s ignorance towards the realities of life. When he realizes the importance of life, he will take time to understand the need to get rid of those habits. Thus he will start telling the truth and do only good. With the help of hypnosis your lying ways will soon be history and you will have the courage to face the world with truthfulness and honesty every step of the way.

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How to Get Teen to Stop Lying

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Understanding how to get your teen to stop lying is a big concern for most parents. Teens typically start to stray from their parents as they get older and therefore trust issues start to arise. Most teens don't want their parents to be involved in their personal lives and that's what brings about the lying. That's why it is important to keep a open relationship with your teens throughout their lives. If your teen is an habitual liar, here are ten tips on how to get your teen to stop lying.

Have an open relationship with your teenager. Being open with your teen is key to stop keep them from lying. Teens who have great relationships with their parents usually don't lie and can talk about almost everything with either one of their parents.

Be sure you are being honest yourself. With a younger child you may be able to get away with telling lies and not having them notice but teenagers are a completely different story. If you are not being honest, then most likely your teenager knows this and that may be a reason for him lying.

Don't pretend like you don't know your teenager is lying to you. In doing this, you are just making the problem worse. Ignoring a problem does not make it disappear so you should confront your teen and tell them you know that they have been lying to you. Granted this is not guaranteed to make the problem better, but it's a start.

Don't belittle your teenager by continually calling her a liar. It may lower your teens self esteem level. You never know what buttons you are pushing by calling names so even if you are mad, try not to resort to name calling.

Don't be so fast to accuse them of lying. Since you are not a mind reader, you do not always know that your teen is lying to you. You may have very strong evidence against them but you should still listen to what they have to say. Listening is the best thing you can do to help your child, so try it instead of blaming them immediately.

Ask your teen what's the reason they lie. This may not work but asking never hurts anybody. You may get the truth because all they really want is for somebody to understand. You never know the reasons your teenagers lie and it may be built up frustration about something. As the Bible verse goes "Ask and it shall be given you."

Don't ask questions you know the answer to. Many parents try to ask their teens what happened in hopes that the teenager will just tell the truth. You shouldn't do this because it's giving them a chance to tell a lie. If you know without a doubt what happened, just confront them with what you know.

Give your child credit for being honest. If you show a positive reaction to your teenager when they tell the truth, this will help them to tell the truth more often. You shouldn't just brush off their honesty just because they usually lie. Award them and show them what it will be like if they always honest with you.

Let your teenager know there will be consequences for lying. When your teenager knows there will be a punishment if he's caught lying, this may make the teenager think twice before lying. If you do not set any consequences for their actions then your teen may never stop lying.

Always let your teenager know you love them. Just doing a simple thing such as telling your teen you love them can help them with their lying problem. Let them know that although they sometimes frustrate you with their lies, they always will have your love.

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Why Do Borderlines and Narcissists Lie So Much

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Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

Many things can destroy trust and intimacy between partners when one is a high conflict person, often someone with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. But one of the top ones is lying--especially when it is about extramarital contact. A disclaimer: not all people with BPD or knowingly NPD lie. It's just that those who do lie so thoroughly and often that they spoil it for those who do not.

Just What Is a Lie?

First, let's define what a lie is, because what constitutes a lie and the truth is a gray area. The book Lying, Cheating, and Carrying On (edited by Salman Akhtar and Henri Parens) contains several essays about lying. In the essay "Lies, Liars, and Lying: An Introductory Overview," Salman Akhtar, M.D. lists several types of lies that are conscious lies, i.e., those that Pinocchio knows are false.

Here are examples that a 17-year-old girl might tell to parents who went on an overnight trip and left her at home "alone."

1. Lies of omission: telling the truth but not the whole truth in a way designed to mislead ("While you were gone I watched a DVD"--not mentioning the five people who were also over and who drank beer).

2. Not speaking up when asked a direct question: (Silence when asked, "What did you do when we were gone?")

3. Making up facts that are not true: ("I did my homework while you were gone").

4. Embellishing the truth is a way that misleads: ("I took care of the cat"--meaning she petted it a few times but forgot to feed him on time or change the litter box).

5. Insisting that a truth known to someone is a falsehood: ("I did not have friends over!").

6. Gaslighting: an attempt to erode another's reality by denying their experience ("No, the house looks exactly like it did when you left. Is there something wrong with your vision?"). One woman in therapy once said that nearly all the quarrels in her family was about whose reality would be dubbed the "right" one.

7. Acknowledging the truth but assigning motives that were never there to make yourself look better: ("Yes, I had people here but only because I was so lonely without you that I was getting very depressed and started crying").

8. Keeping secrets for the wrong reasons: (One of the friends stole the mother's expensive earrings).

Unconscious Lies

Now let's look at unconscious lies, or untruths that the teller believes on a conscious level. Being truthful takes the ability to be honest with one's own self, because if you're not honest with yourself, you won't be honest with others. For example:

1) When a narcissist says that everyone loves and respects her when it's obvious to others it's not true, that's an unconscious lie. Les Carter explains this well in his book,Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. He writes (p 17):

In a sense, narcissists are out of touch with reality. They are not mentally ill, like a psychotic; they are just unwilling to acknowledge truth that doesn't match their preferences. While normal people can weigh events rationally and draw fair conclusions about themselves, narcissists do not. They lack the objectivity to live with reasonable insight because their need for self exaltation does not allow them to accept that their perceptions might not be the ultimate truth. Their idealized view of themselves blinds them as they try to make sense of life, particularly the elements in themselves that might be imperfect or that might require adjustments (and they never want to make adjustments).

2) When a borderline's intense emotions lead him to use projection or emotional reasoning ("feelings equal facts"), that's an unconscious lie. When we are gripped by a strong emotion that doesn't fit the circumstances, we interpret what is happening in a way that fits with the emotions we are feeling instead of the facts presented to us. In other words, we seek to confirm what we already feel and ignore new evidence that does not fit, maintain or justify the emotion. We all do it, but people people with BPD (who see things in black and white and have unstable, intense emotions) do it to a greater degree.

And as if that weren't enough, lingering negative feelings about other issues make one more likely to see negative intent. People with BPD tend to remember every hurt "done to them" as though it happened yesterday. Their false conclusions lead to problematic decisions and behaviors since they're always assuming the worst. They also project their own feelings onto others, so their "You hate me," means "I hate myself." These are untruths, but not really overt lies (as damaging as they may be).

It's hard to tell the difference between a conscious lie and a conscious one. A man says, "It is like we both walk into the same movie theater. I thought that we entered into see the same movie. We sit together. We enter and leave at the same time. But afterwards, I learned that what she saw was entirely different from me, even though we sat and watched the same movie. Her version is no where even close to mine."

What Clinicians Say About Lying and BPD

In the essay "Lies and Their Deception" in the same book, Lying, Cheating, and Carrying On, Clarence Watson, JD, MD pulls no punches when he says, (p. 98):

Given that a BPD hallmark is interpersonal relationships that alternate between idealization and devaluation, the person with BPD may distort facts aimed at the person with whom they desire a personal relationship.

Whether through attempts to draw persons into [intense and rocky interpersonal] relationships or viscously attack another during episodes of the extreme rage associated with perceived abandonment-the borderline personality may use lies and deceitfulness to accomplish these objectives.

Impulsivity and poor impulse control, he writes, means they may not consider the impact of their words before they speak. "In the moment, their desired objective, whatever that may be, takes such precedence over speaking the truth or behaving honestly that the potential consequences of their conduct are reduced to shadowy details."

Other reasons for lack of truth-telling

Some statements may start out as deliberate lies; over time, they become real (the old saying, "Tell a lie often enough and it becomes the truth"). Some statements may be exaggerations, such as a woman accusing her husband of "strangling her" when he touched her neck. People with BPD--especially the conventional type--may judge themselves harshly and expect others to do the same. Lying serves to deflect shame when something might make them look bad, thereby maintaining whatever self-esteem they have on a temporary basis.

This backfires on those people with BPD who then feel worse for having lied (or at least being found out).We all have things about ourselves we would prefer others not know. But we see the good and the bad and hope others do, too. With their black and white world and rejection sensitivity, people with BPD believe that anything "bad" would make others reject them.

Lies may create drama and gain attention. One woman lied that she had been raped to get her boyfriend's attention when he had not been paying enough attention to her.Lies may mask real feelings and put up an impressive façade; this is especially common with invisible BPs.Lies may help make sense of why things happen to them in their mixed-up identity.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Some lies maintain the facade of the False Self: the perfect, superior self the narcissist thinks she is or pretends to be. On a more conscious level, lies are central to:

* Staying in power and keeping things under control

* Keeping the flow of narcissistic supply (adulation by others, which are like ambrosia to the NP)

* Satisfying the grandiose, entitled self

* Avoiding any shame if their status is not as high in reality as they think it should be

* Minimizing the onerous possibility of having to concern himself with your needs.

A Few Examples from Partners

* "He lied consistently about his earnings even in the face of documentary evidence."

"* She told me she had cancer when she didn't."

* "He lied consistently for at least a decade regarding fidelity. He used gaslighting techniques to convince me that I was imagining 'missing' condoms from packs in our bedroom."

* "She denied verbal abuse, telling me that, 'I never called you names when anyone else was listening.'"

* "He refused to say where he was going, where he had been, or when he intended to return home--even when doing so was simply to facilitate normal family life-mealtimes, etc. His most oft-used sentence was 'That'll never be known.'"

* "He lied about his history of dyslexia, even when it would have helped our sons with the same problem."

* "She said she had a night class when she went to a hotel weekly with another man."

So how can someone consciously lie like this? NPs have no empathy. They require narcissistic supply--what's a little lie when your very survival, is at stake? And besides, they think, rules apply to other people. Under these circumstances, telling falsehoods is probably uncomplicated and effortless. Watson says, "Overall, their frank manipulation of others may be part of a 'by hook or by crook; mentality to accomplish their goals."

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What is confabulation (in pathological lying)?

A statement constitutes a lie only if at least one of the interlocutors knows it to be untrue, yet insists or assumes that it is true. If all the parties involved in the exchange know that the statement is false or if none of them know whether it is false or true, then it is fiction or an act of faith.

Lies are about facts or about states of being. Lies that pertain to facts cannot be rendered true by widespread consensus. But with regards to lies about states of being, if the parties agree something to be the truth their agreement can make it true (alter its truth value). This is so because statements about states of being are dependent on social context.
Lies either prompt action or inhibit it. Sometimes, actions taken can convert the lie into a truth (self-fulfilling lie).
There are eight types of lies:

1. Utilitarian: a lie that is intended to accomplish something, a lie that is goal-oriented, a lie whose structure and content are planned to promote or inspire changes conducive to the furtherance of the liar’s aims and aspirations;
2. Smokescreen: a lie whose purpose is to obscure, conceal, or remove true information and thus mislead others (common in espionage or military operations);
3. Compassionate: a lie that is geared towards sparing other people’s feelings, catering to their sensitivities and vulnerabilities, and allowing them to save face and avoid shame and embarrassment. Most white lies are compassionate and empathic;
4. Ceremonial: lies and dissimulations whose function is to establish a pecking order by demonstrating reverence and glossing over facts and behaviors that inconveniently contravene the accepted hierarchy. Manners and etiquette are highly-elaborate forms of ceremonial lying;
5. Compensatory: lies that are used to disguise the oft-humiliating fact that we do not know the truth or can’t remember it. Lies of this type amount to fiction, but with most of the interlocutors being unaware of it;
6. Confabulatory: intricate lies that weave a fabric of alternate reality which is frequently an exaggerated form of the liar’s traits, conduct, and personal history (though it can, of course, be completely unrelated to anything real in the confabulator’s life).
7. Inferential: fallacious conclusions or extrapolations based on true assumptions or statements. Most logical fallacies are inferential lies.
8. Hybrid: lies that contain markers of an occult truth or pathways to true information, allowing its recipients to “read between the lines”. Hybrid lies are common in authoritarian and totalitarian regimes.

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A study of confabulation in pathological narcissism:

Confabulations are an important part of life. They serve to heal emotional wounds or to prevent ones from being inflicted in the first place. They prop-up the confabulator's self-esteem, regulate his (or her) sense of self-worth, and buttress his (or her) self-image. They serve as organizing principles in social interactions.
Father's wartime heroism, mother's youthful good looks, one's oft-recounted exploits, erstwhile alleged brilliance, and past purported sexual irresistibility - are typical examples of white, fuzzy, heart-warming lies wrapped around a shriveled kernel of truth.
But the distinction between reality and fantasy is rarely completely lost. Deep inside, the healthy confabulator knows where facts end and wishful thinking takes over. Father acknowledges he was no war hero, though he did his share of fighting. Mother understands she was no ravishing beauty, though she may have been attractive. The confabulator realizes that his recounted exploits are overblown, his brilliance exaggerated, and his sexual irresistibility a myth.
Such distinctions never rise to the surface because everyone - the confabulator and his audience alike - have a common interest to maintain the confabulation. To challenge the integrity of the confabulator or the veracity of his confabulations is to threaten the very fabric of family and society. Human intercourse is built around such entertaining deviations from the truth.

This is where the narcissist differs from others (from "normal" people).
His very self is a piece of fiction concocted to fend off hurt and to nurture the narcissist's grandiosity. He fails in his "reality test" - the ability to distinguish the actual from the imagined. The narcissist fervently believes in his own infallibility, brilliance, omnipotence, heroism, and perfection. He doesn't dare confront the truth and admit it even to himself.
Moreover, he imposes his personal mythology on his nearest and dearest. Spouse, children, colleagues, friends, neighbors - sometimes even perfect strangers - must abide by the narcissist's narrative or face his wrath. The narcissist countenances no disagreement, alternative points of view, or criticism. To him, confabulation IS reality.
The coherence of the narcissist's dysfunctional and precariously-balanced personality depends on the plausibility of his stories and on their acceptance by his Sources of Narcissistic Supply. The narcissist invests an inordinate time in substantiating his tales, collecting "evidence", defending his version of events, and in re-interpreting reality to fit his scenario. As a result, most narcissists are self-delusional, obstinate, opinionated, and argumentative.
The narcissist's lies are not goal-orientated. This is what makes his constant dishonesty both disconcerting and incomprehensible. The narcissist lies at the drop of a hat, needlessly, and almost ceaselessly. He lies in order to avoid the Grandiosity Gap - when the abyss between fact and (narcissistic) fiction becomes too gaping to ignore.
The narcissist lies in order to preserve appearances, uphold fantasies, support the tall (and impossible) tales of his False Self and extract Narcissistic Supply from unsuspecting sources, who are not yet on to him. To the narcissist, confabulation is not merely a way of life - but life itself.
We are all conditioned to let other indulge in pet delusions and get away with white, not too egregious, lies. The narcissist makes use of our socialization. We dare not confront or expose him, despite the outlandishness of his claims, the improbability of his stories, the implausibility of his alleged accomplishments and conquests. We simply turn the other cheek, or meekly avert our eyes, often embarrassed.
Moreover, the narcissist makes clear, from the very beginning, that it is his way or the highway. His aggression - even violent streak - are close to the surface. He may be charming in a first encounter - but even then there are telltale signs of pent-up abuse. His interlocutors sense this impending threat and avoid conflict by acquiescing with the narcissist's fairy tales. Thus he imposes his private universe and virtual reality on his milieu - sometimes with disastrous consequences.

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Compulsive Lying Disorder

Compulsive Liar Disorder

There are some for whom lying is second nature. Such people are said to be suffering from compulsive liar disorder. This article discusses what is compulsive lying disorder, the symptoms and treatment of it.

What do you do when you live with someone who lies every now and then? Living with lies is so difficult in itself. To add to it, having to spend most of one's time with someone whom you can't trust because lying seems to have become his/her second nature, is all the more frustrating. Now, did the thought that your partner lies habitually cross your mind? Is he suffering from compulsive liar disorder? How would you tell that unless you know the compulsive liar definition?

About Compulsive Liar Syndrome

I would refrain from giving a single line definition of a compulsive liar as it is very important to have a complete understanding of the complex nature of the disorder. It is a condition in which lying becomes a habit with the individual concerned. Such a person lies with unbelievable ease and seems to find comfort in it. Even if he is provided with hard facts, he would never acknowledge that he is lying. In fact, making him confess to his lies is next to impossible as lying feels right to him. A compulsive liar would feel awkward in telling the truth and would have no scruples of conscience about lying to one and all and about any situation however big or small. In fact, like other addictions (like those of alcohol or drugs), lying becomes an addiction for a compulsive liar and serves as an escape from discomfort. The compulsive lying is not a disorder in itself but is usually a symptom of some larger personality disorder. This makes the treatment more complicated.

Pathological Liar Disorder Vs. Compulsive Liar Disorder

In both types an individual lies with great ease and at all situations. However, the major difference between a pathological liar and a compulsive liar is that while a pathological liar would lie to manipulate people, a compulsive liar lies more out of habit and never with the intention of gaining personal benefits out of the act. In contrast to compulsive liars, pathological liars are cunning and self-centered individuals who would lie to meet their interests.

Symptoms

There are certain typical compulsive liar symptoms that would help in identifying people with such a disorder:

• Behavioral Attributes: As already discussed, these people lie on a regular basis and with great ease. They can lie on any subject and to any person without considering the effect or outcome of the lies.
• Low Self-esteem: This is one of the trademark symptoms of compulsive lying. Compulsive liars lie and try to build a persona that would help them to come out of their inferiority complex.
• Compulsive Attention Seeker: A person suffering from the disorder needs constant attention and he uses his lies to achieve the same end.
• Addictions: Look out for addictions to gambling and alcohol in a person that you think is suffering.
• Incoherent Behavior: Compulsive liars often sound incoherent with their statements as they get confused with their own web of lies. This happens as they don't make false statements with the intent of achieving personal gains. It's just out of habit.
• Other Personality Disorders: People with this lying disorder very commonly have other negative personality traits like narcissistic personality disorder, better known as narcissism. They may also suffer from bipolar disorder in which they oscillate between depression and mania.

Compulsive Liar Test

There isn't a specific test to detect obsessive compulsive lying disorder. Although sometimes polygraph tests are resorted to, they test just the physiological changes that the body undergoes while a person lies. However, the result of these tests can't be relied on. The best liar test is one's own judgment. A good understanding of the syndrome and its symptoms is the best way to detect a compulsive liar.

Treatment Options

Compulsive lying is still a baffling complication for doctors who are trying to find some concrete cure for it. This however, does not mean that there is no treatment for this disorder. The first and foremost requirement for compulsive liar treatment is the individual's will to cooperate. As already discussed, people who suffer from this disorder are incapable of understanding that they are lying. It is near to impossible to make them admit that what they say is not the truth. This is the first hurdle that needs to be overcome for successful treatment of compulsive lying problem.

In most cases, the disorder is the result of some other psychiatric illness. The treatment of this illness results in curing the symptoms. The treatment usually includes medications that deal with some of the symptoms. For the rest, counseling is used. For those with no psychiatric problems underlying their lying disorder, counseling is the only option for compulsive liar therapy. During these sessions a counselor explains the impact of lying on the individual as well as on those around him. He may also use the technique of role-playing to treat the disorder.

Compulsive lying disorder in children is just as common as it is in adults. However, most of the time, it is dismissed as childish behavior. This disorder causes problems not only for the individual but for those around him as well. Compulsive lying disorder treatment is available. But it would be successful if only the individual volunteers to co-operate.

By Debopriya Bose

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How Lying Works - Basics - Signs - How to Tell

When you're young, there's one lesson that gets hammered into you more often than others: Tell the truth. Tell the truth, you're told, and everything will be OK. Then why does Mom call her boss claiming to be sick when she's not, and why does Dad say Mom's dress doesn't make her look fat? The lesson didn't stick for them when they were little, and it didn't stick with you or me, either.
Lying isn't a sign of moral depravity (except when it is). Lying is a sign of cognitive advancement. It requires a fertile and high-functioning brain to take something as simple as the truth and twist it, palming off the deception on someone else with the earnestness of a choirboy.
The problem with the truth is that it doesn't always serve our purposes, further our careers or keep us out of trouble. When you can take the route made of imagination, best-case scenarios and wish fulfillment, you'd be nuts not to take a deceitful stroll toward your goals, right?
­Younger children believe that they're always being watched, and that Mom (or some other authority figure) knows all. For this reason, they're initially more inclined to tell the truth. As they get a little older, they begin experimenting with lies: The dog is blue, my shirt is made of copper, the cookie told me so. For the very young, lying is a series of cause-and-effect experiments. When does a lie work? What kind of lie? What is a believable lie? Is the jig ever up, or should I keep lying until the truth is just a vague memory for all parties?
­Around age 2 or 3, children realize that they're not under constant observation by an all-knowing, all-seeing Eye of Truth. A typical 4-year-old stretches the truth once every two hours, while 6-year-olds will tell a whopper every 90 minutes [source: Bronson]. They're applying their earlier lie studies toward the general goals of all truth-stretchers: gaining advantage, staying out of trouble and "bigging" themselves up in the eyes of others. As children become older, they become more skilled at deception. And they never really stop. Continue reading to learn the truth, or something like it, about lying.


The Basics of Lies
The ability to lie is a cognitive accomplishment. While we look down on the practice from a moral and ethical point of view, lying isn't normally done without a pretty good motive. Lies are told for some of the following reasons:

• To conceal misdeeds and stay out of trouble. Wrongdoings often can't be undone, and it's rare that owning up to a misdeed will result in a positive outcome (at least in the short term). ­These lies are told to avoid responsibility and repercussions.

• To preserve reputation. A recovering drug addict may lie about time spent in a treatment facility, especially to a potential employer or romantic prospect. A lie like this is told to avoid shame or embarrassment.

• To avoid hurting someone's feelings. Children learn early on to be polite, not to point out physical flaws, and to say "thank you" even after they receive something they don't like. These "white lies" are distinguished from other types because they carry no ill will or bad intentions.

• To increase stature and reputation. Some lies are told without any obvious external stimulus, such as a demand for an answer to a specific question. This type of lie is often narcissistic in nature, told to make the liar seem more accomplished, skilled or gifted as a means of gaining favor in the eyes of others.

• To manipulate. These lies aren't evasive or defensive, but rather aggressive and malicious in nature. Such lies are told to gain wealth, love, favor or other assets by damaging another's reputation or spreading harmful untruths.

• To control information. As opposed to airing a falsehood, indirect lying is withholding or concealing important facts. This is often seen as a more acceptable form of lying, since a person doesn't actively construct lies, but only sits tightly on the truth. A missing piece of information can completely alter the understanding of an event, leading American courts to demand not only the truth, but "the whole truth."

Lies are told -- in some form or fashion -- by just about everybody. Some personality types, however, are more likely to lie than others:

• Pathological liars are generally sociopathic, lack a clear sense of right and wrong and show an absence of remorse when harming others. Sociopaths tell some of the best lies, since they don't feel bad about doing so and don't show signs of guilt or worry. Sociopaths lie for self-gain, and their lies veer heavily toward manipulation.

• Compulsive liars lie as the first option, even when there's no reason or advantage for doing so. Childhood experiences, such as living in an abusive environment where lying might be necessary for survival or emotional well-being, are often responsible for compulsive lying.

• Narcissists lie to gain undeserved glory and esteem in the eyes of others.

• Borderline personalities experience wild mood swings and out-of-control behaviors, like drug abuse, gambling or promiscuous sex. This type may tell lies in an effort to deal with the fallout from these behaviors.

• Histrionic personalities desperately crave love and attention and will tell lies that, though not accurate, may reflect the emotional truth of the situation. "I'm so sick I could die," and "If you leave me, I'll kill myself," are two examples of lies told by this type [source: Goleman].

Signs of Deception

There is no single telltale sign of lying, but rather a constellation of possible signs that may "leak" from the liar during the act. We'll discuss both verbal and nonverbal signs of lying in this section.
First, we'll examine some nonverbal signs of lying. One sign that escapes most people is the flashing of a microexpression. Microexpressions are superquick expressions that cross over people's faces against their will and without their awareness. These provide a true look at their honest feelings about a matter. While most people aren't looking for such clues, a good many of us detect them without knowing what just happened. The information we glean -- detecting a millisecond-long look of anger in the middle of a smile -- is often chalked up to intuition or a "gut feeling." If your "gut" is telling you something isn't quite right with a person, you very well may have detected a microexpression on that person's face that doesn't mesh with what he or she is saying.
Another nonverbal sign of lying is a forced smile, which generally involves only the muscles of the mouth and not the rest of the face. A sign of deception is a smile or other gesture -- such as nodding "yes" during a denial -- that contradicts what is being said. When we normally interact, both speech and body language happen naturally, without specific thought. When we lie, however, not only must we appraise the truth, construct a plausible lie and then verbalize it, we must also decide which body gestures best match the lie, or rather best represent the telling of the truth. All of this thought leads to mis-matching words and body language.
Someone who's lying may feel attacked and get in a defensive position. He or she might turn away from the questioner, cross his or her arms or even move farther away. Liars may noticeably fidget, especially during a pause in the conversation.
There are other nonverbal cues that many people think are surefire signs of lying but aren't, such as increased blinking, scratching the face or nose, or placing a hand over the mouth while speaking. These signs are only good indicators when they represent a change in the person's normal behavior (that is, the behavior immediately preceding the suspected lie). Maybe the guy who's blinking a lot has an eyelash in his eye, and the girl covering her mouth is just self-conscious; however, if the person doesn't blink often during the first three statements and blinks like crazy and scratches his or her neck while giving the fourth statement, then that statement warrants closer examination.
Someone telling a lie will also leak verbal clues that point to dishonesty. Since he or she has to invent an answer, a lie-teller will often spend more time searching for the right word in the course of telling a story. The person might take too long to provide an answer or get words mixed up. To get extra time to think, a liar won't use contractions (opting for "cannot" instead of "can't") and may also repeat questions ("Where was I last night?" or "You want to know what I was doing yesterday?").
Since they have to create an alternate reality apart from the truth, liars have difficulty knowing how much of the new story to tell and will often include unnecessary details.

How to Tell If Someone is Lying

If you were accused of murder, you'd be under enormous pressure to lie if you were guilty. The stakes are high, and that kind of pressure can lead to physical cues that will give you away. A person serving a life sentence for murder, however, would feel virtually no pressure when lying about the murder because he or she is already in prison -- there won't be any further consequences for lying. In this case, it's the verbal details, and not body language, that will likely be his or her undoing.
Here's how you separate the liars from the truth-tellers:

• Establish the baseline. Liars may look you directly in the eye, and truth-tellers may be fidgety and seem evasive, so don't look for one trait or the other. First, establish the person's behaviors, mood and mannerisms for that particular point in time, before the questioning begins. Is the person relaxed or nervous? Angry? Distracted? Notice how much eye contact and blinking is going on. Does the person touch his or her hands or face when speaking?

• Look for deviations from the baseline. The key to detecting lies is to look for deviations from an established pattern of behavior. If a person normally makes no eye contact and blinks like crazy but stares straight through you when answering a particular question, there's your red flag. Look for slight pauses before answers -- this is the amount of time it takes their brain to fabricate data. The liar may act offended at being questioned at all but suddenly quite affable when the lie is being told, or vice versa.

• Listen. Sometimes, there will be no body language or visual cues that accompany a lie. You have to rely on the verbal information you receive. Do the facts add up? Is the person telling you lots of information that is unrelated to the question? If someone provides lots of details, ask more questions. These details might be their undoing. After getting into the nitty-gritty of the details, bounce the questioning back to the overall time frame or arc of the story. Now, refocus on a small detail. Does the story still fit together? Is the person having to create new details to explain why other details aren't fitting well into the arc of the story?

• Pause. For most people, lying -- and the circumstance that necessitates the telling of a lie -- is stressful. If you're questioning somebody, pause between one of his or her answers and your next question. Pauses are slightly uncomfortable for most people in a social interaction, and much more so for a person who is trying to pass off a lie. This pause may seem like a torturous eternity to a liar. Look for fidgeting, defensive posturing and microexpressions.

• Change the subject. The best news a liar can receive is that the lie is over. When the person believes the topic of conversation has changed, he or she may be visibly relieved. A nervous person may loosen up; an agitated person may smile. This tactic also allows you to continue studying for deviations from the baseline or to look for a return to the baseline.

 Tom Scheve

We Are Shifting Our Focus to Dishonesty & Lying

DISHONESTY

Hello All:
We are going to be focusing alot of attention on dishonesty starting middle of August.  You will be finding that our Podcasts will be including much information on lying (both for the individual and people who are around that person).  Our radio shows will discuss how people find themselves stuck in dishonesty cycles. 

For some - compulsive lying is a behavior that causes the individual enormous internal pain and distress!  This behavior additionally causes people surrounding the person lying significant distress, anger, hurt, and mistrust!  The shows will certainly be helpful for that individual as well!

Also, we have completed our Dishonesty Workbook to assist people recover from this destructive behavior.  We will be addressing each worksheet (of which there are over 150) one at a time through our podcasts.  Beginning the recovery process.

We will be keeping you posted here, Twitter, & our website as to when exactly we will beginning this new program.  We are excited about shifting some of our focus on this silent problem in our society.

Mike and Deb                                                 


                      

Compulsive Lying

More Info?  www.addictions.net

Compulsive Lying

Is your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend a compulsive/pathological liar or a sociopath?

To begin with, it may help to understand the difference between a pathological or compulsive liar and a sociopath (see, types of liars).

Ultimately, making this type of distinction may not be that useful. Because in either case, the outcome is typically the same: dealing with a compulsive or pathological liar is very difficult to do.  And unfortunately, sociopaths cannot be changed (see, lovefraud). 

A compulsive liar will resort to telling lies, regardless of the situation. Again, everyone lies from time to time (see, when lovers lie), but for a compulsive liar, telling lies is routine. It becomes a habit - a way of life.

Simply put, for a compulsive liar, lying becomes second nature.

Not only do compulsive liars bend the truth about issues large and small, they take comfort in it. Lying feels right to a compulsive liar. Telling the truth, on the other hand, is difficult and uncomfortable.

And like any behavior which provides comfort and an escape from discomfort (i.e., alcohol, drugs, sex), lying can become addictive and hard to stop. For the compulsive liar, lying feels safe and this fuels the desire to lie even more.

Making matters even more complicated, compulsive lying is often a symptom of a much larger personality disorder, which only makes the problem more difficult to resolve (see, narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder).

Unfortunately, compulsive lying is hard for the person involved to see, but it hurts those who are around it. Compulsive lying, if not addressed, can easily ruin a relationship (for example, see why does he need to lie).

Compulsive lying can be dealt with through counseling or therapy. But, like any addictive behavior (and/or personality disorder), getting someone to admit they have a problem with lying is the difficult part. Sadly enough, getting someone to recognize that he or she has a problem usually requires hitting rock bottom first.

What is the Difference Between a Sociopath, a Compulsive, a Pathological, a Chronic, and a Habitual Liar?

A Sociopath

A sociopath is typically defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. A sociopath is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one's way). Sociopaths have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. Sociopaths are often charming and charismatic, but they use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways (see, lovefraud, for more on sociopaths).  

Compulsive Liar

A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship (see, how to cope with a compulsive liar).

The terms Pathological Liar, Habitual Liar and Chronic Liar are often used to refer to a Compulsive Liar. 

Compulsive liars are different from pathological liars or those who only lie periodically. There is often no obvious reason for the lying, and different underlying motivations exist for compulsive liars than for other types of liars. Certain warning signs can help you discern whether you are dealing with a compulsive liar, so read on to learn what these are.

Instructions

1. Notice how often the person seemingly lies. Compulsive liars lie on a regular and ongoing basis; it is a habit in which they participate almost all the time.
   
2. Consider the apparent ease with which a person tells a lie. If they appear uncomfortable or nervous, then chances are that they are not a compulsive liar. Lying comes naturally to a compulsive liar, who looks and feels more comfortable lying than telling the truth.
   
3. Focus on the types of things that the person lies about. A compulsive liar often lies about anything and everything, even small, seemingly insignificant things.
   
4. Evaluate the motivation behind the person's lying. If the person seems to lie simply when it is beneficial for them or when it gets them out of an awkward situation, they are probably not a compulsive liar. Someone who is a compulsive liar generally lies because doing so is a habit and not because they are trying to manipulate others.
   
5. Think about the person's personality characteristics to determine whether they fit the stereotype of a compulsive liar. Often, compulsive liars begin this habit to get attention from others or to make themselves appear better in some way, so a compulsive liar may have issues with poor self-esteem.
   
6. Examine whether a potential compulsive liar recognizes their behavior. Because lying is such an ingrained habit for a compulsive liar, they may not even recognize that they are doing it, or they may deny the behavior.
   
7. Look at the person's ability to remain consistent in what they say. A compulsive liar may have a difficult time keeping their stories straight since they have injected so many lies into what they have told other people.

Many people find themselves telling a lie at least once in their life. It may feel difficult not to tell the truth, but at the time, it just seemed like the right thing to do. Most people feel a little bit of remorse over it and regret their actions later. Some vow to be more truthful in the future.

Even though these are common feelings after telling a fib, compulsive liars do not feel the same way about their actions. People that lie on a regular basis have no remorse or regret when they don't tell the truth. Many times, they don't even think twice about it. They go on lying just as easily as telling the truth.

Why is it easy for liars to tell a lie? It's become a habit for them. Just like any other bad habit, once you start doing it, you become more comfortable with it. After you become more comfortable with something, it's much harder to stop than to continue.

Recognizing the Symptoms of Compulsive Liars

It can take some time to come to the realization that someone is lying compulsively. At first, it's easy to take everything a person says as the truth. After some time, you may begin to realize that many of the things this person is telling you simply don't add up. You begin to see that life around this person doesn't correlate to the life the person portrays. This is only the beginning.

Here are some more symptoms of compulsive liars that may not be as straightforward.

• Low self-esteem: This is a hallmark of most people with a compulsive lying disorder. Deep-seated feelings of inferiority drive such a person to fabricate a persona that makes them feel more worthy.
• Other negative personality traits: Compulsive lying is often a secondary impulse related to other personality disorders. Watch for narcissistic and/or manipulative behavior. Inappropriate emotions and impulsive reactions to situations can be another tip off that something is not quite right.
• Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): People suffering from ADHD also demonstrate impulsive behavior, and it's possible for this to escalate into uncontrollable lying if not kept in check.
• Addictions: People with addictions to gambling, alcohol, drugs or other activities also are much more likely to lie compulsively.
• Bipolar Disorder: Sufferers of a bipolar disorder seesaw through periods of depression and mania. Depression is usually accompanied by low self-esteem and feeling like life is dreadful. Mania is the complete opposite, and a person feels like life is grand and nothing can get in the way. Impulsive behavior is common during this period, and it becomes easier to tell a lie than face reality.
• Inability to face reality: Even when confronted with the cold facts, a true compulsive liar will never admit the truth. Attempts to make the person do so will result in further lying and perhaps even emotional outbursts designed to deflect attention from the lying.

Help for Compulsive Liars

Treatment for compulsive liars involves therapy and a lot of work outside of the therapist's office. Is it possible to break the cycle of lying? Yes, but it's extremely difficult to break the addiction to the attention that the lying garners, and here is the root of the problem. The liar will have to actually admit to having a problem with lying. Since this strikes at the person's self-esteem, some find it impossible to do.

No one can force a compulsive liar to get help. This is a decision that each person has to make for his or herself. However, if the original self-esteem issue can be addressed and healed, it is more likely that the cycle of lying will gradually cease.

“What’s wrong with me? I can never seem to tell the truth: I’m a compulsive liar!”

“Thank you for being honest with me!” (I presumed she was being.)

Turns out Claire had lied since she was little. Recently she’d lied at work, telling everyone she was terminally ill with cancer. She’d got a huge amount of sympathy and attention, not to mention extended time off. Now she’d been found out and fired.

In her time she’d lied about knowing famous people (she didn’t), winning money (she hadn’t), and not cheating on or having stolen from boyfriends (she had). Now Claire felt she’d burnt all her bridges, friends had fled, and work opportunities dried up. She was desperate to stop compulsively lying and have a fresh start - somewhere new.

So, do you lie?

Compulsive lying and the art of diplomacy

I’m not talking about those everyday little pieces of expediency most of us indulge in:

“How do I look?”
  Thinks: "Like a trussed up bag of festering turnips."
  Says: “You look fantastic!”

And perhaps the most common lie:

“How are you?”
  “Fine.” (ready to leap under a tram)

‘White lies’ smooth life because brutal frankness and long-term friendship make for uneasy bedfellows. Neither am I talking about unconscious dishonesty, ‘cognitive dissonance’, in which we kid ourselves.

No, I’m talking about compulsive and purposeful lying. The kind that tangles you up and eventually and inevitably gets sussed.

There are things you can do to stop the compulsive liar in you from rearing its ugly head. But first…

What causes compulsive lying?

There are many reasons why someone might compulsively lie. Claire lied to get attention to feel special. She had often lied that she was ill. This is sometimes known as Münchausen syndrome (1), a condition in which the ‘sufferer’ feigns disease, illness, or injury in order to gain either material advantages or attention from other people. As a child, she felt pushed out on the fold when her younger siblings had come along. She’d started lying to classmates and her parents very early on.

People lie:

 
• Because they behave badly but want to still ‘look good’ - as with the politician who has an affair or cheats on his expense account, then lies in an attempt to cover it up (Westminster, anyone?).
 
• To genuinely save someone else’s feelings.
 
• To control other people. People may lie about how much power/status they have and then threaten people with that fictitious power and influence.
 
• For self-aggrandizement in order to make themselves appear wonderful, especially gifted, more interesting, or exciting - either through a sense of inadequacy or overly high self-esteem.
 
• Through sheer force of habit - “Lying is as easy as breathing for me!”

Because you are reading this, I’m presuming you are sick of compulsively lying. So here are some ideas to help you start being more honest.

Tip 1: “To thine own self be true” - regardless of what others are doing

In the recent ‘expenses scandal’ in the UK, many cheating politicians defended their own public money pocketing by protesting that: “Everyone else had been doing it!” In some ways, lying has become more accepted and even expected.

In a recent survey in the UK, 41% of people said they would cash a winning lottery ticket even if it didn’t belong to them and more than two-thirds of people have stolen stationery from work (2).

You know what is honest, so be honest regardless of a dishonest group-think culture - don’t hide behind the excuse of widespread lying.

Tip 2:  Remember the truth is often easier

“Always tell the truth. That way, you don’t have to remember what you said.” Mark Twain

Lying is a real strain. You have to remember so much and, no matter how elaborate your twisting and turning, you’ll eventually come unstuck. As Claire said on one of our sessions, “You know, it’s a relief not to lie!”

Cast off lying and you’ll find life instantly becomes much less stressful.

Tip 3: Know what lying is

It’s so easy to lie to ourselves about what lying is. Not telling the truth and remaining silent is a form of lying: ‘lying through omission’. In the same way, people may assume that failing to do the right thing is not the same as doing the wrong thing. In one research study in the UK,  just 38% of items deliberately left in the street found their way back to their rightful owners (3).

Claire told me that one boyfriend had asked her why she hadn’t told him she’d cheated on him. She’d replied: “Because you didn’t ask!”

Don’t make excuses to yourself. Not telling the truth, when you know what it is, is lying.

Tip 4: Stop compulsive lying to protect your reputation (because the truth is out there)

Apart from all the ethical considerations, lying doesn’t work - not in the long run.  Once you are unmasked as a habitual liar, you’ve blown it. People will take you far less seriously as a person. Trust may be impossible to ever win back.

As good old ‘honest Abe’ Lincoln said: “If you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow citizens, you can never regain their respect and esteem.”

Claire had destroyed the confidence of just about everyone and felt forced to move on to new pastures.

Stop and think: The truth has a way of making itself known, and when you lose people’s trust, you lose the power to be heard by other people - because they’ll stop listening. (Remember what happened to the boy who cried,  "Wolf!")

Tip 5: Stop compulsive lying one step at a time

Claire had been lying for decades, all the time, every day. She was good at lying (which hadn’t stopped the truth from making itself known to the people in her life).

I asked her to start telling “small truths”, being honest here and there when normally she wouldn’t be. For example, when she spoke to someone new she was to tell that she had left school and become a hairdresser at 16 instead of her usual story of having picked up a Master’s degree in marine biology. She was to tell people her real town of origin and be honest about her parents (dropping the story of being adopted). Bit by bit, I encouraged her to start to tell small truths so truth telling, in itself, could become a habit.

Start by promising to yourself you’ll tell people three true things about yourself a day.

Tip 6: Stop compulsive lying by meeting your emotional needs honestly

Much human behaviour is unconsciously motivated by the need to meet emotional needs.  We all have needs for a sense of safety and security, attention, status,  meaning, excitement, intimacy and love, connection to others, self-esteem, and so forth. Now think about times when you’ve compulsively lied; times when the lies seemed to ‘come from nowhere’.

What was the drive behind the lying? Wanting to be included? Wanting to be thought highly of? Wanting to be loved, even? Wanting excitement? Really think about this.

Lying to get your life needs met is a form of stealing. Wanting to gain love, respect from others, or self-esteem without putting in real efforts is theft in a way.

Think about some real ways in which you can honestly meet these needs for self-importance,  security, or whatever drive had been behind your lying. And make these the base from which you interact with others.

Tip 7: Use self-hypnosis to stop compulsive lying

For Claire, lying had come to feel a part of who she was; she called it “instinctive”. We worked hypnotically to great effect. I got her to hypnotically experience a type of situation in which she’d be typically tempted to tell a whopper and I helped her mentally rehearse telling the truth regardless of whether it was less “colourful” or exciting. Each time she did this, she felt an enormous flood of relief and felt closer to the person with whom she was communicating.

More Info?  www.addictions.net