Why do People Lie?

If you are truthful in a relationship, nothing hurts more than hearing a lie from your partner; sometimes knowing the truth may hurt even more, yet still, in the longer run, a lie causes more damage than truth. Mark Twain once said, "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

Lying is not as simple as telling the truth versus falsifying it. It is deeper than that. It is not always about distortion or non disclosure of facts, it may well be about creating a whole new set of truths that only the liar knows of. Today, I reflect on an interesting topic: why do people lie?

It appears some lie for no reason at all, while many lie with great reasoning, some lie for a cause, and many build a cause to lie. It is not always about the flip side of truth. Sometimes, a lie stands on its own two feet. Upon deep examination, you will find that lying is a complex act, a complicated aspect of one's personality, it is more than a habit, almost a natural human trait. Here are the three primary causes of telling lies, they are not mutually exclusive:

1. To hide information
Anything or any relationship that can be labeled comes with a set of expectations. Whether you are a teacher, student, husband, wife, CEO, manager, son, daughter, friend and so forth, anyone at all, living in the society, you are expected to behave in a certain manner. When you traverse the boundaries, you are suddenly out there in the open, unprotected and vulnerable. You have to protect yourself now, you have to safeguard the expectations and save your relationship.

If you hide the information, if no one gets to know you crossed the line, if you are perceived to be within the bounds, treading only the thoroughfare, you continue to be a functional artefact of the social apparatus. It leads to a temporary sense of peace, a sense of match, of fitting in the society. You just bought yourself time, you did not have to put up with the arguments that might have taken place had you shared the truth. You did not have to hurt the sentiments or trust of the other person by covering up your truth. This is the foremost cause of lying. People lie because they want to avoid confrontation and conflict. Lying becomes the easier route.

2. A matter of habit
Often pursuing the first one, that is, hiding information, one gets into the habit of lying. When you repeatedly do the same thing over and over again, it becomes your habit. Perfection, carelessness, lack of detail or attention to detail etcetera are all habits as are telling the truth and lying. The habit of lying is formed, like many other habits, right from the childhood. Why? It must trace back to certain incidents during their early years or the atmosphere at home where speaking truth mostly ended up in an unpleasant conflict and undue scolding. When parents start to behave like kids too, it gives their children a strong reason to lie. By lying, they feel safe. However, this becomes their habit, their coping mechanism, their strategy to put up with all undesirable situations later on in their own lives. Unfortunate. It is incredibly hard to break the habit of lying.

Like many other habits of smoking, drinking, punctuality and so on, children also pick up lying from their parents, other elders and peers. If you lie frequently, do not be harsh on your children expecting them to tell the truth. They will not follow what you tell them to do, they will follow what you do yourself. In other words, they do not learn from your instructions but actions. If this is how they see you living, it is but natural that they will follow suit.

When lying becomes a habit, it leads to one of the two outcomes, and both are not mutually exclusive: the liar becomes fidgety with a wavering mind, or, they become aggressive with a depressed mind. Constant lying puts a tremendous burden on them to remember, to protect information, to bear the load of false information, to live the false identity. Over time, impatience, aggression, withdrawal, artificiality, depression, self doubt, low self-esteem, insecurity and the rest find a permanent home in the mind of a liar.

3. To gain attention
This third reason comes with a powerful revelation. It can help one gain attention, respect, power. When someone lies to you about an incident where he was the only witness, he now has access to information that no one else does. He has just created a new truth. Exclusive information naturally leads to greater power and more attention. It was not just greed that triggered the greatest corporate scandals in the world, it was also about an inherent, an innate, an obtuse sense of gaining more power and control.

I remember reading stories of a certain hunter during my childhood. This hunter would come to the village and make up stories on how he gallantly killed a lion with his fists alone, or courageously wasted a bear with just a small knife and so forth. All the villagers would gather around him to listen to his fascinating, if not fantastical, accounts of valor and bravery. He got attention and respect. If this formula works for the liar, he continues to lie till eternity.

There are some who live a life of lies, there are many who justify their lies, it is even possible for some to protect their lies, however, it comes at the cost of their inner peace. They may not lose relationships or respect, they will, sooner or later, be robbed of their inner peace, however.

So, if you want your partner, your child, or your friend to tell you the truth, if that is important to you, you had better encourage an atmosphere conducive to truth. If you are going to pounce upon hearing a confession, that may well be the last time you will ever hear a truthful version. It is for this reason, forgiveness is considered a divine virtue. Because by forgiving not only are you strengthening yourself and your relationship but also making a difference to the life of the other person and subsequent generations.

Next time you feel like reacting to someone's lie, just take a moment and look within you. A realization may dawn and you may find it easy to forgive the other person. On the other hand, if you are the one telling lies, just remember the price is paid in peace and bliss. Truth is bold by nature, and lie, arrogant. The former instills courage, the latter, fear. Truth stems from inner strength, and lie, from the inability to gain such strength.

How to Be a Mind Reader: The Art of Deciphering Body Language

We are going to begin the process of learning how to read others as well as ourselves.  All emotion is expressed through the theater of facial expressions.So it would be the first place to look if you are attempting to discover if someone is being honest with you.  Keep in mind that people try very hard to control their emotions. However it is almost impossible to completely cover everything - especially the facial expressions.  Below is one of the best articles I have read describing this phenomena.

Learning how to accurately interpret facial expressions isn't easy, but it can make you a more effective leader.  (Or in this case more effective reader of facial language.)

By  Meridith Levinson
Tue, April 10, 2007

               Eric Goldfarb knows that tuning into body language and facial expressions can indicate the thoughts and feelings that remain unspoken. He also knows how difficult those nonverbal cues can be to interpret. During a budget meeting with a direct report while working for Global Knowledge, Goldfarb noticed that his vice president kept toying with her necklace. He thought this mannerism was an indication of her discomfort with the financial target he was proposing. He also noticed her eyes and thought they expressed worry over the budget target. He repeatedly asked her during the meeting if she thought she could meet the budget, and even though she consistently answered yes, Goldfarb didn't believe her. So he scheduled a follow-up meeting with her to dig deeper. She ended up meeting the target without a problem, and Goldfarb realized that he wasted his and her precious time by scheduling the follow-up meeting and by dragging out the first one with repetitive questions. What could Goldfarb have done differently to more accurately size up his vice president?

          

This link will begin the process of you learning to

become aware of other's facial expressions.  As Tomkin's

explained our emotional world is expressed through our faces. 

http://www.cio.com/article/facial-expressions-test

Goldfarb, now the CIO of auditing firm PRG-Schultz International, was astute to tune into her body language and facial expressions. However, because body language can be misleading and because facial expressions can be hard to read if you're not practiced at it, Goldfarb needed to more pointedly probe his direct report. Instead of continually asking her, "Are you comfortable?" he might have said, "It's really important for me to have your buy-in on this target. I don't mean to pry but I just want to know if the discomfort you appear to be showing is a result of this budget target or something else. If it's the target, we can work something out." Had Goldfarb taken this tack, he wouldn't have had to worry that his incessant questioning sent a message to this individual—one of his key lieutenants—that he didn't trust her, or that he temporarily lost some credibility in her eyes.
Accurately interpreting the meanings of nonverbal communications, especially facial expressions, can make CIOs more effective leaders and managers, says Paul Ekman, noted psychologist and author of Emotions Revealed: Recognizing Faces and Feelings to Improve Communication and Emotional Life. Reading facial expressions is a particularly useful skill for business executives because, so often in business settings, people don't say what they really think. If CIOs could recognize how different emotions manifest themselves on the face, they'd be able to discern much more quickly, for example, when an individual is starting to get angry. They'd also be able to identify when people are trying to conceal their emotions—such as fear, contempt, disgust or surprise. This knowledge and ability can make CIOs more aware of unspoken political tensions in board or executive committee meetings. It also better equips them to handle sensitive staffing situations such as performance reviews. Ekman points to research indicating that managers who seem responsive to the unspoken emotions of their staffs are more successful in the workplace than managers who don't.

"So much of our job [as CIOs] is spent selling things—ideas, budgets, influence. Becoming sensitive to the meanings of facial expressions, while tricky, is a way to find out very quickly who's allied with you and who might be angry with something you said," says Goldfarb.

To find out how good you are at interpreting facial expressions, try our quizzes, "How Well Can You Read a Face?". (The quiz online is tougher and more scientific, partly because it gives the reader a very short time to read an expression, just as in real life.) If you want to know whether or not the smile the CEO is giving you is sincere or whether the CFO is contemptuous of you when you make a proposal, keep reading.
The truth in facial expressions
While facial expressions can be hard to decipher because they're fleeting (lasting anywhere from less than one-half of a second to three seconds) and because people often try to conceal them, they are in fact the clearest indicator of what someone is feeling, says Ekman.

"The face is the only system that will tell us the specific emotion that's occurring," he says. That's because each emotion has unique, identifiable signals in the face. Emotions manifest themselves in facial expressions because, says Ekman, it became useful over the course of human evolution to let others know when we sense danger. Facial expressions have since become automatic. Because each emotion has unique signals in the face, facial expressions are more reliable indicators of a person's emotional state than body language.

Ekman says you can learn the fundamentals of reading facial expressions in about an hour using an interactive CD-ROM he has put together that's available on his website, www.paulekman.com. You can also learn to read facial expressions in others by getting to know how emotions appear on your own face. Ekman advises individuals to look in a mirror and remember a personal experience that made them angry, sad, fearful or disgusted so that they can see how their expression changes as the emotion washes over them. This exercise will help you recognize muscle movements that are the clearest indicators of a particular emotion.

Studying the photos of different facial expressions in Emotions Revealed will further help you learn to distinguish the emotions. Captions under each photo describe the muscle movements in the face that distinguish a sincere smile from an insincere smile, and that signal sadness, anger, surprise, fear, contempt or disgust. By studying these photos and captions, you'll learn which facial movements are the clearest indicators of a particular emotion. You'll also learn that if the boss doesn't contract the muscles around his eyes when he smiles at you, he's just being polite.

Use your knowledge
Once you've learned to automatically and accurately recognize the meanings of different facial expressions, you can decide whether and how to act on the information you obtain from reading faces.

For example, if you pick up on signs of anger (thinned lips, lowered eyebrows, and raised upper eyelids) when telling a staff member that she did not get a promotion, and if you care about the staff member and want to see her advance, Ekman suggests that you might say to her, "I know that was bad news and I expect it was disappointing. I had the impression you were upset and wondered if it would help to talk about it," or simply, "I would be glad to talk to you now or at a later time about how you feel about it." Ekman cautions against asking a person in this situation if she is angry because it opens the CIO up to an attack.

If the staff member shows fear (raised upper eyelids, tensed lower eyelids, with eyebrows raised and drawn together), Ekman says her expression may suggest that she is concerned about her future. Ekman advises supervisors to reassure the person about her standing in the company if it's not at risk, or to discuss the areas in which the individual needs to improve.

Ekman says that, while studying facial expressions, it's important to keep in mind that they do not reveal what is generating the emotion, only that the emotion is occurring. Yet, he continues, "If we are sensitive to the expressions of another person, then we know what impact we're having on them and what emotion they might be trying to conceal." In other words, we're a lot better off when we pay attention to and know how to assess these cues than when we're oblivious to them.

We Are Shifting Our Focus to Dishonesty & Lying

DISHONESTY

Hello All:
We are going to be focusing alot of attention on dishonesty starting middle of August.  You will be finding that our Podcasts will be including much information on lying (both for the individual and people who are around that person).  Our radio shows will discuss how people find themselves stuck in dishonesty cycles. 

For some - compulsive lying is a behavior that causes the individual enormous internal pain and distress!  This behavior additionally causes people surrounding the person lying significant distress, anger, hurt, and mistrust!  The shows will certainly be helpful for that individual as well!

Also, we have completed our Dishonesty Workbook to assist people recover from this destructive behavior.  We will be addressing each worksheet (of which there are over 150) one at a time through our podcasts.  Beginning the recovery process.

We will be keeping you posted here, Twitter, & our website as to when exactly we will beginning this new program.  We are excited about shifting some of our focus on this silent problem in our society.

Mike and Deb