More on Pathological Lying

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Human beings are used to several bad habits. Most of these habits start in an early age perhaps in the childhood days. One such habit is the tendency to lie. Most of the cases are attached to child hood incidents. But there are different cases also. The habit may not sound so serious, but the after effects of this habit which can be better called as a disease is not small to neglect as such.

It is quite common that people lie at times to escape from some punishments. This is natural and will not have long lasting results as the effects are limited. But there are cases when people lie in a recursive fashion or they might lie always. This condition is often referred to as compulsive lying.

Compulsive lying starts when people lie for each and everything. They get a feeling that lie can always protect them. Then even in places where truth will help them, they will start lying. Thus they won’t say truth in any case. Thus compulsive liars are born.

Compulsive lying is developed as a disease. The most interesting thing is that compulsive liar himself won’t understand why he is telling lies at times. This will make people lose the trust in him. He will be looked upon with suspicious eyes.

The compulsive liar will find it difficult to get a return back to the case of telling lies. If in the initial stage, he was lying to escape from the punishment, after that he will do it thinking this is the right way. He fails to understand what is right and what is wrong.

Compulsive liars will be hated by all people. None will love to make companies with such people. They will be isolated from the main stream and they won’t get true friends. Their friends will start lying with them because they don’t trust their words and actions.

Compulsive lying can be treated with counselling or similar treatments. But the result is that all this will have only short range influence on the liar. To get lasting results, the best method is hypnosis. The treatment is done with the help of hypnosis CD. People will have serious changes when they listen to this CD.

Hypnosis CD and mp3 will act on the minds of the compulsive liar. They will bring about changes in his mind. When he give his complete concentration and starts to follow the instructions, the tendency slowly fades away. The mind will be relaxed. He can easily analyse what is right and what is wrong. He will understand the importance of truth in life.

All bad habits are the results of man’s ignorance towards the realities of life. When he realizes the importance of life, he will take time to understand the need to get rid of those habits. Thus he will start telling the truth and do only good. With the help of hypnosis your lying ways will soon be history and you will have the courage to face the world with truthfulness and honesty every step of the way.

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Why Do Borderlines and Narcissists Lie So Much

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Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?

Many things can destroy trust and intimacy between partners when one is a high conflict person, often someone with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder. But one of the top ones is lying--especially when it is about extramarital contact. A disclaimer: not all people with BPD or knowingly NPD lie. It's just that those who do lie so thoroughly and often that they spoil it for those who do not.

Just What Is a Lie?

First, let's define what a lie is, because what constitutes a lie and the truth is a gray area. The book Lying, Cheating, and Carrying On (edited by Salman Akhtar and Henri Parens) contains several essays about lying. In the essay "Lies, Liars, and Lying: An Introductory Overview," Salman Akhtar, M.D. lists several types of lies that are conscious lies, i.e., those that Pinocchio knows are false.

Here are examples that a 17-year-old girl might tell to parents who went on an overnight trip and left her at home "alone."

1. Lies of omission: telling the truth but not the whole truth in a way designed to mislead ("While you were gone I watched a DVD"--not mentioning the five people who were also over and who drank beer).

2. Not speaking up when asked a direct question: (Silence when asked, "What did you do when we were gone?")

3. Making up facts that are not true: ("I did my homework while you were gone").

4. Embellishing the truth is a way that misleads: ("I took care of the cat"--meaning she petted it a few times but forgot to feed him on time or change the litter box).

5. Insisting that a truth known to someone is a falsehood: ("I did not have friends over!").

6. Gaslighting: an attempt to erode another's reality by denying their experience ("No, the house looks exactly like it did when you left. Is there something wrong with your vision?"). One woman in therapy once said that nearly all the quarrels in her family was about whose reality would be dubbed the "right" one.

7. Acknowledging the truth but assigning motives that were never there to make yourself look better: ("Yes, I had people here but only because I was so lonely without you that I was getting very depressed and started crying").

8. Keeping secrets for the wrong reasons: (One of the friends stole the mother's expensive earrings).

Unconscious Lies

Now let's look at unconscious lies, or untruths that the teller believes on a conscious level. Being truthful takes the ability to be honest with one's own self, because if you're not honest with yourself, you won't be honest with others. For example:

1) When a narcissist says that everyone loves and respects her when it's obvious to others it's not true, that's an unconscious lie. Les Carter explains this well in his book,Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. He writes (p 17):

In a sense, narcissists are out of touch with reality. They are not mentally ill, like a psychotic; they are just unwilling to acknowledge truth that doesn't match their preferences. While normal people can weigh events rationally and draw fair conclusions about themselves, narcissists do not. They lack the objectivity to live with reasonable insight because their need for self exaltation does not allow them to accept that their perceptions might not be the ultimate truth. Their idealized view of themselves blinds them as they try to make sense of life, particularly the elements in themselves that might be imperfect or that might require adjustments (and they never want to make adjustments).

2) When a borderline's intense emotions lead him to use projection or emotional reasoning ("feelings equal facts"), that's an unconscious lie. When we are gripped by a strong emotion that doesn't fit the circumstances, we interpret what is happening in a way that fits with the emotions we are feeling instead of the facts presented to us. In other words, we seek to confirm what we already feel and ignore new evidence that does not fit, maintain or justify the emotion. We all do it, but people people with BPD (who see things in black and white and have unstable, intense emotions) do it to a greater degree.

And as if that weren't enough, lingering negative feelings about other issues make one more likely to see negative intent. People with BPD tend to remember every hurt "done to them" as though it happened yesterday. Their false conclusions lead to problematic decisions and behaviors since they're always assuming the worst. They also project their own feelings onto others, so their "You hate me," means "I hate myself." These are untruths, but not really overt lies (as damaging as they may be).

It's hard to tell the difference between a conscious lie and a conscious one. A man says, "It is like we both walk into the same movie theater. I thought that we entered into see the same movie. We sit together. We enter and leave at the same time. But afterwards, I learned that what she saw was entirely different from me, even though we sat and watched the same movie. Her version is no where even close to mine."

What Clinicians Say About Lying and BPD

In the essay "Lies and Their Deception" in the same book, Lying, Cheating, and Carrying On, Clarence Watson, JD, MD pulls no punches when he says, (p. 98):

Given that a BPD hallmark is interpersonal relationships that alternate between idealization and devaluation, the person with BPD may distort facts aimed at the person with whom they desire a personal relationship.

Whether through attempts to draw persons into [intense and rocky interpersonal] relationships or viscously attack another during episodes of the extreme rage associated with perceived abandonment-the borderline personality may use lies and deceitfulness to accomplish these objectives.

Impulsivity and poor impulse control, he writes, means they may not consider the impact of their words before they speak. "In the moment, their desired objective, whatever that may be, takes such precedence over speaking the truth or behaving honestly that the potential consequences of their conduct are reduced to shadowy details."

Other reasons for lack of truth-telling

Some statements may start out as deliberate lies; over time, they become real (the old saying, "Tell a lie often enough and it becomes the truth"). Some statements may be exaggerations, such as a woman accusing her husband of "strangling her" when he touched her neck. People with BPD--especially the conventional type--may judge themselves harshly and expect others to do the same. Lying serves to deflect shame when something might make them look bad, thereby maintaining whatever self-esteem they have on a temporary basis.

This backfires on those people with BPD who then feel worse for having lied (or at least being found out).We all have things about ourselves we would prefer others not know. But we see the good and the bad and hope others do, too. With their black and white world and rejection sensitivity, people with BPD believe that anything "bad" would make others reject them.

Lies may create drama and gain attention. One woman lied that she had been raped to get her boyfriend's attention when he had not been paying enough attention to her.Lies may mask real feelings and put up an impressive façade; this is especially common with invisible BPs.Lies may help make sense of why things happen to them in their mixed-up identity.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Some lies maintain the facade of the False Self: the perfect, superior self the narcissist thinks she is or pretends to be. On a more conscious level, lies are central to:

* Staying in power and keeping things under control

* Keeping the flow of narcissistic supply (adulation by others, which are like ambrosia to the NP)

* Satisfying the grandiose, entitled self

* Avoiding any shame if their status is not as high in reality as they think it should be

* Minimizing the onerous possibility of having to concern himself with your needs.

A Few Examples from Partners

* "He lied consistently about his earnings even in the face of documentary evidence."

"* She told me she had cancer when she didn't."

* "He lied consistently for at least a decade regarding fidelity. He used gaslighting techniques to convince me that I was imagining 'missing' condoms from packs in our bedroom."

* "She denied verbal abuse, telling me that, 'I never called you names when anyone else was listening.'"

* "He refused to say where he was going, where he had been, or when he intended to return home--even when doing so was simply to facilitate normal family life-mealtimes, etc. His most oft-used sentence was 'That'll never be known.'"

* "He lied about his history of dyslexia, even when it would have helped our sons with the same problem."

* "She said she had a night class when she went to a hotel weekly with another man."

So how can someone consciously lie like this? NPs have no empathy. They require narcissistic supply--what's a little lie when your very survival, is at stake? And besides, they think, rules apply to other people. Under these circumstances, telling falsehoods is probably uncomplicated and effortless. Watson says, "Overall, their frank manipulation of others may be part of a 'by hook or by crook; mentality to accomplish their goals."

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Why do People Lie?

If you are truthful in a relationship, nothing hurts more than hearing a lie from your partner; sometimes knowing the truth may hurt even more, yet still, in the longer run, a lie causes more damage than truth. Mark Twain once said, "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."

Lying is not as simple as telling the truth versus falsifying it. It is deeper than that. It is not always about distortion or non disclosure of facts, it may well be about creating a whole new set of truths that only the liar knows of. Today, I reflect on an interesting topic: why do people lie?

It appears some lie for no reason at all, while many lie with great reasoning, some lie for a cause, and many build a cause to lie. It is not always about the flip side of truth. Sometimes, a lie stands on its own two feet. Upon deep examination, you will find that lying is a complex act, a complicated aspect of one's personality, it is more than a habit, almost a natural human trait. Here are the three primary causes of telling lies, they are not mutually exclusive:

1. To hide information
Anything or any relationship that can be labeled comes with a set of expectations. Whether you are a teacher, student, husband, wife, CEO, manager, son, daughter, friend and so forth, anyone at all, living in the society, you are expected to behave in a certain manner. When you traverse the boundaries, you are suddenly out there in the open, unprotected and vulnerable. You have to protect yourself now, you have to safeguard the expectations and save your relationship.

If you hide the information, if no one gets to know you crossed the line, if you are perceived to be within the bounds, treading only the thoroughfare, you continue to be a functional artefact of the social apparatus. It leads to a temporary sense of peace, a sense of match, of fitting in the society. You just bought yourself time, you did not have to put up with the arguments that might have taken place had you shared the truth. You did not have to hurt the sentiments or trust of the other person by covering up your truth. This is the foremost cause of lying. People lie because they want to avoid confrontation and conflict. Lying becomes the easier route.

2. A matter of habit
Often pursuing the first one, that is, hiding information, one gets into the habit of lying. When you repeatedly do the same thing over and over again, it becomes your habit. Perfection, carelessness, lack of detail or attention to detail etcetera are all habits as are telling the truth and lying. The habit of lying is formed, like many other habits, right from the childhood. Why? It must trace back to certain incidents during their early years or the atmosphere at home where speaking truth mostly ended up in an unpleasant conflict and undue scolding. When parents start to behave like kids too, it gives their children a strong reason to lie. By lying, they feel safe. However, this becomes their habit, their coping mechanism, their strategy to put up with all undesirable situations later on in their own lives. Unfortunate. It is incredibly hard to break the habit of lying.

Like many other habits of smoking, drinking, punctuality and so on, children also pick up lying from their parents, other elders and peers. If you lie frequently, do not be harsh on your children expecting them to tell the truth. They will not follow what you tell them to do, they will follow what you do yourself. In other words, they do not learn from your instructions but actions. If this is how they see you living, it is but natural that they will follow suit.

When lying becomes a habit, it leads to one of the two outcomes, and both are not mutually exclusive: the liar becomes fidgety with a wavering mind, or, they become aggressive with a depressed mind. Constant lying puts a tremendous burden on them to remember, to protect information, to bear the load of false information, to live the false identity. Over time, impatience, aggression, withdrawal, artificiality, depression, self doubt, low self-esteem, insecurity and the rest find a permanent home in the mind of a liar.

3. To gain attention
This third reason comes with a powerful revelation. It can help one gain attention, respect, power. When someone lies to you about an incident where he was the only witness, he now has access to information that no one else does. He has just created a new truth. Exclusive information naturally leads to greater power and more attention. It was not just greed that triggered the greatest corporate scandals in the world, it was also about an inherent, an innate, an obtuse sense of gaining more power and control.

I remember reading stories of a certain hunter during my childhood. This hunter would come to the village and make up stories on how he gallantly killed a lion with his fists alone, or courageously wasted a bear with just a small knife and so forth. All the villagers would gather around him to listen to his fascinating, if not fantastical, accounts of valor and bravery. He got attention and respect. If this formula works for the liar, he continues to lie till eternity.

There are some who live a life of lies, there are many who justify their lies, it is even possible for some to protect their lies, however, it comes at the cost of their inner peace. They may not lose relationships or respect, they will, sooner or later, be robbed of their inner peace, however.

So, if you want your partner, your child, or your friend to tell you the truth, if that is important to you, you had better encourage an atmosphere conducive to truth. If you are going to pounce upon hearing a confession, that may well be the last time you will ever hear a truthful version. It is for this reason, forgiveness is considered a divine virtue. Because by forgiving not only are you strengthening yourself and your relationship but also making a difference to the life of the other person and subsequent generations.

Next time you feel like reacting to someone's lie, just take a moment and look within you. A realization may dawn and you may find it easy to forgive the other person. On the other hand, if you are the one telling lies, just remember the price is paid in peace and bliss. Truth is bold by nature, and lie, arrogant. The former instills courage, the latter, fear. Truth stems from inner strength, and lie, from the inability to gain such strength.

Compulsive Lying Disorder

Compulsive Liar Disorder

There are some for whom lying is second nature. Such people are said to be suffering from compulsive liar disorder. This article discusses what is compulsive lying disorder, the symptoms and treatment of it.

What do you do when you live with someone who lies every now and then? Living with lies is so difficult in itself. To add to it, having to spend most of one's time with someone whom you can't trust because lying seems to have become his/her second nature, is all the more frustrating. Now, did the thought that your partner lies habitually cross your mind? Is he suffering from compulsive liar disorder? How would you tell that unless you know the compulsive liar definition?

About Compulsive Liar Syndrome

I would refrain from giving a single line definition of a compulsive liar as it is very important to have a complete understanding of the complex nature of the disorder. It is a condition in which lying becomes a habit with the individual concerned. Such a person lies with unbelievable ease and seems to find comfort in it. Even if he is provided with hard facts, he would never acknowledge that he is lying. In fact, making him confess to his lies is next to impossible as lying feels right to him. A compulsive liar would feel awkward in telling the truth and would have no scruples of conscience about lying to one and all and about any situation however big or small. In fact, like other addictions (like those of alcohol or drugs), lying becomes an addiction for a compulsive liar and serves as an escape from discomfort. The compulsive lying is not a disorder in itself but is usually a symptom of some larger personality disorder. This makes the treatment more complicated.

Pathological Liar Disorder Vs. Compulsive Liar Disorder

In both types an individual lies with great ease and at all situations. However, the major difference between a pathological liar and a compulsive liar is that while a pathological liar would lie to manipulate people, a compulsive liar lies more out of habit and never with the intention of gaining personal benefits out of the act. In contrast to compulsive liars, pathological liars are cunning and self-centered individuals who would lie to meet their interests.

Symptoms

There are certain typical compulsive liar symptoms that would help in identifying people with such a disorder:

• Behavioral Attributes: As already discussed, these people lie on a regular basis and with great ease. They can lie on any subject and to any person without considering the effect or outcome of the lies.
• Low Self-esteem: This is one of the trademark symptoms of compulsive lying. Compulsive liars lie and try to build a persona that would help them to come out of their inferiority complex.
• Compulsive Attention Seeker: A person suffering from the disorder needs constant attention and he uses his lies to achieve the same end.
• Addictions: Look out for addictions to gambling and alcohol in a person that you think is suffering.
• Incoherent Behavior: Compulsive liars often sound incoherent with their statements as they get confused with their own web of lies. This happens as they don't make false statements with the intent of achieving personal gains. It's just out of habit.
• Other Personality Disorders: People with this lying disorder very commonly have other negative personality traits like narcissistic personality disorder, better known as narcissism. They may also suffer from bipolar disorder in which they oscillate between depression and mania.

Compulsive Liar Test

There isn't a specific test to detect obsessive compulsive lying disorder. Although sometimes polygraph tests are resorted to, they test just the physiological changes that the body undergoes while a person lies. However, the result of these tests can't be relied on. The best liar test is one's own judgment. A good understanding of the syndrome and its symptoms is the best way to detect a compulsive liar.

Treatment Options

Compulsive lying is still a baffling complication for doctors who are trying to find some concrete cure for it. This however, does not mean that there is no treatment for this disorder. The first and foremost requirement for compulsive liar treatment is the individual's will to cooperate. As already discussed, people who suffer from this disorder are incapable of understanding that they are lying. It is near to impossible to make them admit that what they say is not the truth. This is the first hurdle that needs to be overcome for successful treatment of compulsive lying problem.

In most cases, the disorder is the result of some other psychiatric illness. The treatment of this illness results in curing the symptoms. The treatment usually includes medications that deal with some of the symptoms. For the rest, counseling is used. For those with no psychiatric problems underlying their lying disorder, counseling is the only option for compulsive liar therapy. During these sessions a counselor explains the impact of lying on the individual as well as on those around him. He may also use the technique of role-playing to treat the disorder.

Compulsive lying disorder in children is just as common as it is in adults. However, most of the time, it is dismissed as childish behavior. This disorder causes problems not only for the individual but for those around him as well. Compulsive lying disorder treatment is available. But it would be successful if only the individual volunteers to co-operate.

By Debopriya Bose