Within the Mind of An Eating Disorder

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Have an ED? Please Prevent Your Typical 'Internal Combustion' If Your Thanksgiving Was Rough!

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Alright I'm going to make this as short and to the point as I can.  If Thanksgiving ended up being a rough 'eating day' now is the time to decide if you are going to continue doing what you have always done or change that behavior!

For the last week I have been providing information to help people make the holidays a different experience perhaps than in the past years.  Unfortunately the holidays begin with one of the roughest days for anyone with an eating disorder - Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving being the day of extreme food excesses of the year.  It is the New Years Eve for alcoholics only Thanksgiving is dedicated to those with food issues!

If you had a bad or rough day with the eating on Thanksgiving (TG) today is the day you can change the course of the rest of the holidays!  Most who relapse on TG begin with alot of self-degredation, self-hatred, shame and of course set themselves up to destroy the rest of the holidays through self-defeating thoughts/actions!  Truly isn't that how it normally goes?
The negative self-talk is overwhelming, degrading and self-defeating.  It does nothing to help the individual help themselves - it has everything to do with guaranteeing a swift moving spiral downward to the hell of shame obsessions and compulsions!  It begins a sense of failure of epic proportions and guarantees yet another miserable holiday experience!

Now did you want to change that experience this year or are you determined to set yourself up to feel as bad as you possibly can?  It is your decision after all.  What is it that you want?  If Hell is what you are looking for stop reading here - you need NO HELP to attain that experience! 
 
If you want a different outcome continue reading...Let's just look at TG from my perspective if you had trouble with the day I don't consider you a failure - but I do believe the plan you used failed!  Perhaps you didn't have a plan - there's a bad plan in itself!  Perhaps you didn't think though all the particulars or whatever now we know that plan didn't work for you and you need to develop a better plan for the remainder of the holidays. 

Often in my experience people don't take their plan development seriously enough.  Spending some time to look at all the different possibilities you may be faced with throughout the Holidays pays off with a much different outcome.  Essentially those with eating disorders who take the time to develope a comprehensive plan including all possible situations like food at work, people you might be around, parties you might attend, what all you need to do to be prepared for Christmas like all the shopping, considering your budget how you're going to take good care of yourself, follow your meal plan etc...  This is what will win you a successful holiday season!

But before all of that - if you had a rough TG you need to forgive yourself and LET IT GO!  Focussing on the negative practically guarantees more negative to come!  I have already pointed out that rather than YOU being a failure - your PLAN or lack of a plan failed!  Everyone needs to begin with that realization.  Also there is a quote I'm quite known for using - "If you do what you have always have done-you will get what you always have gotten!"  To begin with perhaps you should focus on the meaning of that quote in order to identify what needs to be different.  I'll be addressing this in later blogs.

Has this helped you to begin to change how you are thinking?  Are you confused about whether to continue beating yourself up or make more positive changes or modifications in your thinking?

Some helpful reading:
http://www.addictions.net/id133.html
http://www.addictions.net/id125.html
http://www.addictions.net/id122.html
http://www.addictions.net/id121.html
http://www.addictions.net/id326.html
http://www.addictions.net/id102.html
http://www.addictions.net/id219.html

 

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I Hate Myself?

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Why do I hate myself?

Do you catch yourself thinking, "I hate myself"? We hate ourselves for various reasons. Sometimes it is because we say the wrong things at the wrong time. Sometimes we hate ourselves for not living up to our own or another's expectations. The fact is that sooner or later most of us in our lifetime are going to utter the word's "I hate myself." The words "I hate myself" by themselves hold no power over us, but the problem starts when you begin to believe the words. Let's look at some of the reasons why you may come to hate yourself and how to deal with the problems.

• Rejection - We all must face rejection in our lives. Rejection from members of the opposite sex, rejection over a promotion at work, rejection at a life that does not measure up to the big plans we once had. Rejection will come, but we must not let it consume us. I have learned in the past that when rejection comes, it is not the end of the world. Sure, there are times I am depressed for a little while and there is a lot of self-examination, but over time I learned that rejection is not the end, but the beginning of something else.
  
• Love and Acceptance - It is human nature to want to feel the love and acceptance of others, but when it doesn't happen in our timetable, we often turn to ourselves as the source of our failure. When someone does not accept or show love to you, don't hate yourself for it. Rather, take time to consider the situation surrounding why you were not accepted or loved. In the end, you will realize (like I did) that not everyone is going to accept you and love you. If you stay true to who you are, sooner or later you will find the love and acceptance you are looking for.
  
• Hitting Bottom - Have you ever felt like you've hit bottom? I'm talking about those times when you say, "If I only had one break, I know I could get out of this situation I am in." I know I have had quite a few times like that in my life and it is not a nice feeling. Many times when we are at rock bottom we get depressed. Our depression can lead to self-pity and self-pity can cause us to say, "I hate myself" for not being able to get out of this.
  
  Most of the time when we hit rock bottom it is by circumstances of our own making. In our minds, we feel that since we are the one who caused the problem we should be the ones to get ourself out of the problem. When things continue to spiral downward, we start to play the blame game which always leads to wrong conclusions about ourselves. In the end, we start to hate ourselves for allowing things to get this bad. When you hit bottom, don't hate yourself. Swallow your pride and seek help elsewhere.
  
• I Make Mistakes - We all make mistakes. I know, I make my share of mistakes everyday. I have found that people are more prone to point out your mistakes than they are to praise you for what you are doing right. If you are not careful, you may start to think that your life is a mistake, which can lead to feelings of hatred towards yourself and others.
  
  I know my strengths and weakness and I am going to make more mistakes, but I can't let the mistakes get to me. I know it sounds simple and it will take work, but when you make a mistake, learn from it and move on.
  

Why do I hate myself? - There could be any number of reasons. The reasons I listed above are ones I have personally dealt with in the past. There were times I hated who I was and wanted to change myself so I could be like everyone else.

Then one day I realized that I am not like everyone else. I am me, so I set out to be me and I soon found that I no longer hated myself. I did not take the things that happened to me so personally anymore. I do not know if it will work for you, but isn't it worth a shot? 

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Is Self-Loathing an All or Nothing Proposition?

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Several comments to my post on "The Single Self-Loather" were incredibly insightful, and forced me to think about self-loathing in new ways. For instance, Ashley wrote, "Perhaps I still don't grasp what a self-loather actually is—if there is a precise definition. Is it a global self-loathing (i.e. you hate everything about yourself with no redeeming quality)—or are there just some things that you find loathe-worthy which you feel devalues the entire person?" To which Jo replied: "Maybe this reflects the difference between self-esteem and self-worth, the first being more 'situational'... and the other related to your basic worth as a human being? Personally, I have achieved good academic results and 'succeeded' in some important areas, but while I recognize that I am a good student and have academic abilities (and, as such, have at least some self-esteem in certain areas), the feeling of being a bad PERSON pretty much remains the same (i.e. low self-worth)."

As I mulled over these comments, they began to invoke two issues that arise in virtue ethics: the unity of virtues and their variability across situations (or the situationist critique). Before we begin, please understand that I'm not saying that self-loathing is a virtue, though a person can be a "virtuous self-loather" by dealing with other people in a virtuous way despite his or her self-reagrding issues (as described in my last post). All I mean is that there are similar ways in which self-loathing and the virtues are be described or understood, and that claims about the unity of the virtues and the situationist critique have some implications about the nature of self-loathing, which I want to explore.

The unity of the virtues is the claim that possessing one positive character trait necessarily implies possessing all of them. According to this position—which many virtue theorists share, though in vastly different forms—one cannot be truly honest, for example, without also being kind, courageous, and so forth. In other words, there is something essential to being a virtuous person which underlies having the individual virtues, and without that one central, basic thing, you can't be truly virtuous in any specific ways.

Both comments quoted above made me think of self-loathing in similar terms. Does self-loathing imply that you must regard every facet of yourself as inferior, or can you have good opinions of some aspects of yourself and still feel inadequate overall?

I think the answer to this depends on how we understand the nature of self-loathing itself. As I understand it, self-loathing reflects a radical devaluation of one's overall character—in effect, a denial of one's virtues. A self-loathing person considers him- or herself a "bad person," unworthy of concern or love, presumably because the virtues—the good character or personality traits that would justify concern and love—are missing. But do these virtues have to be lacking completely or can some exist and others not? (Never mind the issue of whether one can possess a virtue "partially"—is some kindness better than none, or is halfhearted kindness no real kindness at all? That's a whole other can of worms.)

For some people, feeling like a "bad person" implies a complete lack of any virtues at all. In this view, if a good or virtuous person embodies the unity of virtues, a bad (but not evil) person embodies the unity of lack of virtue. (I'm being careful here not to invoke the opposite of virtue, which would be vice—a self-loathing person can consider herself to be bad in the sense of inadequate or worthy without thinking herself evil.) This is the easiest way to account for self-loathing: obviously, if a person feels he lacks any redeeming qualities at all, he is very likely to loathe himself utterly and completely. If this turns out to be the best way to understand self-loathing, in a backwards sort of way it may also be a supporting argument for the unity of virtues: they're a package deal, and you either have them all or you have none of them.

Is Jo being inconsistent or insincere when she claims to acknowledge her academic success but then downplays her overall quality as a person? Perhaps she does not regard her academic success as reflecting any moral virtue, giving most of the credit to her inborn intelligence or luck rather than her own dedication and perseverance. We may disagree with this judgment, of course, but this would not make her insincere—just modest. More likely, though, she recognizes these positive character traits but does not consider them as important as the other virtues she feels she lacks. This view, however, speaks against the unity of the virtues (or lack thereof), since this position does not usually distinguish between more and less important character traits, simply claiming that they're all connected. The possibility of someone like Jo recognizing goodand bad things about herself implies that her virtues are not unified, that some exist within her while others don't, and that her feelings of inadequacy result from weighing the good and bad against each other—and possibly ranking some, presumably the ones she feels she lacks, as more important—and coming up short overall.
This also suggests a way to combat self-loathing: changing the way you assess your own virtues and lack thereof. If you're a self-loathing individual, besides assessing yourself too harshly, you are likely also overemphasizing the traits in which you feel you fall short—judging those, perhaps not coincidentally, to be the most important ones—and underemphasizing the ones in which you may feel you shine. This may not get to the heart of your predisposition to see yourself in a negative light, but it may help you to remember the ways in which you are a good person, and help you improve your overall self-evaluation.
Next time, I'll discuss the parallels between self-loathing and the situationistic critique of virtue theory: Is self-loathing always the same, or can it vary according to the situation in which it arises?
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For a list of my previous Psychology Today posts on self-loathing (and other topics), see here.

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Self Loathing is Really Shame in Disguise

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Self-Loathing

Definition:

Self-Loathing - Self-Loathing is an extreme self-hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.

Description:

Self-Loathing is also known as "Autophobia" or Self-Hatred". Self-loathing is a thought pattern where individuals believe they are inferior, bad, worthless, unlovable, or incompetent.

Self-Loathing is one of the central characteristics of people who suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder. Self-Loathing is also a common occurrence among other personality disorders - particularly Borderline Personality Disorder.

Self-Loathing is sometimes linked to self-harm and suicidal behaviors in people who suffer fromBorderline Personality Disorder.

Self-Loathing is sometimes described in more socially acceptable language as a "lack of self-esteem" or "stinking thinking". Self-Loathing is also known as Autophobia.

Self-Loathing falls into two common categories

1. Hatred of one's own self, actions and characteristics
2. Rejection of one's demographic origin - such as ethnic origin, religious orientation, nationality, gender or sexual orientation.

Self-Loathing is common among people who grew up in an unsupportive family environment where there was child abuse, neglect, emotional trauma or chronic criticism.

Symptoms of self-loathing include chemical dependency, alcohol & drug abuse, self-harm, self-destructive promiscuity, fits of rage and dissociation.

Self-loathing may be intermittent and may be suddenly triggered by disappointments, struggles, painful memories or anxiety about the future. These triggers can create an overwhelming flood of feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness and powerlessness in an individual who suffers from a personality disorder - which can lead to self-destructive behaviors, emotional withdrawal or aggressive behaviors towards loved ones and family members.

Examples of Self-Loathing:

• "Nobody loves me"
• "Things will never get any better."
• "I'm useless. I always screw everything up."
• "He/she could never really love the real me."

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The Inner CRITIC

We often struggle with a voice inside us that is relentlessly judgmental, the inner critic.  You may have found difficulty in dealing with overeating, drinking, anxiety, depression, procrastination, parenting, etc.  The inner critic will not help with these problems, but can make us feel worse in the following ways:Evaluates and finds fault with our feelings and behavior

• Condemns us for not meeting the expectations of ourselves or others
• Blasts us for mistakes or not being in control
• Continually reminds us that our efforts are never good enough
• Doubts our ability to achieve success or happiness
• Disapproves of our appearance, intelligence, endeavors

  I have found in working with clients, that this critical voice must be addressed in order for change to occur.  Change can only occur in an atmosphere of self-acceptance.  
During an initial appointment, we can look together at your inner critic and create a treatment plan to manage this destructive voice.

Just Sayin' - shame shame shame

Unconscious Guilt & FEAR OF SUCCESS!!!

Why do we fail in our efforts, even when we have the talent, intelligence, and training to succeed? Why do we seem to sabotage these efforts in so many ways– by procrastinating, or forgetting a crucial detail, or suddenly losing sight of the goal?
The conventional answer is “fear of failure,” and the answer makes some sense. It can be very painful to put out one’s best effort and still fail. Better to sabotage the effort and avoid the risk of that pain.

But a better answer may well be “fear of success.” There are real, rational reasons to fear success, even though it seems contradictory to fear the very thing you desire. Along with success comes a great deal of pressure– not only to live up to past achievements but also to continually surpass them. Performing at one’s best can raise others’, as well as one’s own, expectations. The increased pressure to perform can evoke such painful stress and anxiety that some people opt out of the fast track all together.

These rational fears of success are generally conscious, patients that I see are often aware of the fears mentioned in the previous paragraph. An even greater and more hidden factor is an unconscious, often irrational fear of success. I have often found this fear to have roots in one’s family of origin.

A common example of such a family occurs when one or both parents have failed, or feel they have failed, in some crucial area of life. If a child of such a parent begins to succeed or excel in this same area of life, it can be a source of pain for the parent, as if salt were being rubbed into an old wound. In such circumstances, the child’s success can be experienced by the parent as insensitive or cruel. The parent’s reaction to the child’s success may be quite subtle and unconscious, without any awareness on the part of the parent or the child that the parent is reacting to the child’s success. One form this can take is the perfectionistic parent, whose constant criticisms do not allow the child to ever feel successful. Another parent may become depressed or withdrawn in response to the child’s success. For example a parent may react to their offspring’s success in school, socializing, sports or hobbies, by becoming self-effacing (“you’re doing so much with your life compared to me”), depressed (well I’m glad you’re happy), or withdrawn, by changing the subject or hardly responding at all to their son’s or daughter’s accomplishment. Or, a child may become the target of family members' ill will, resentment, or envy when excelling or standing out. Success in school may evoke reactions of ridicule, irritation, or an overall lack of interest from parents or siblings. Enthusiasm about pursuing one’s talents and interests may be seen by the family as showing off. Ambitions to go to college, to pursue a career, or to marry, may be met with criticism or rejection.

When there has been a pattern of such parental responses growing up, the child’s efforts to achieve personal goals are undermined. Instead of receiving love and support for their successes, the child finds that the parent feels hurt, depressed, and responds by criticism, ridicule or withdrawal.

Because it feels as if their success has hurt or damaged their parents, the child may end up as an adult, having unconscious feelings of guilt from wishing, striving for, or accomplishing success in an area or areas where a parent has failed. These areas may include relationships, career, finances, health, pleasure, or an overall sense of one’s self-worth. The guilt is unconscious, so that the reasons for self-sabotage, e.g., lack of ambition, or over-avoidance of competition, may be hidden. Wishing, striving for, or accomplishing success unconsciously triggers anxiety and guilt, resulting in procrastination, an inability to concentrate, low motivation, or a decision to just drop the project altogether.
Psychotherapy can be quite useful in helping to discover these hidden sources of the fear of success, so that the client can get a handle on what is getting in his or her way. Obviously this short description merely outlines a very complicated and subtle dynamic. Nevertheless, I do hope that this article sheds some light in understanding one’s tendency towards self-sabotage and underachievement. I have found that clients can make significant shifts in their lives when they begin to understand their own internal barriers to striving toward, and to achieving, success. 

Just Sayin' - shame shame shame