Shame - Read It, Understand it, BEGIN to Work on IT!

In this brief synopsis, I tried to describe some of the ideas about shame that have had a significant effect on my work as a psychotherapist, with both individuals and couples. Shame plays a major role in everyone's life. Yet, this often excruciatingly painful feeling, in its various disguises, has, for the most part , been overlooked by most psychotherapies. Our insensitivity to this issue has, I feel, been a major barrier to people being able to make full use of what psychotherapy has to offer.

 

One of the most striking contradictions that I have come across as a therapist is the discrepancy between the centrality of the affect of shame in humans, and the lack of attention shame has received in the study and practice of psychology. In my own training, I was taught to attend to a wide range of feelings: anger, fear, sexuality, excitement, sadness, but rarely, if ever, the feeling of shame. Shame is also avoided in the "real" world as well. In fact, most of us feel shame about feeling shame. As a result shame is rarely acknowledged to others, or even to oneself.  In the last five  years I have been paying much more attention to shame in working with my clients, and am amazed at how crucial attending to this feeling is to doing psychotherapy. As with any feeling, when shame is denied it will only resurface to create even more pain and havoc.

Unfortunately, shame is often unbearable. For example humiliation and mortification, which are part of the "shame family of feelings" may be so painful they may lead to violence or suicide.  We may equate shame with being worthless, unlovable, unredeemable, or cut-off from humanity. It may evoke other painful feelings, rage at the one we feel shamed by, or terror that we will be abandoned, fragmented and/or overwhelmed with despair. Silvan Tomkins (in Nathanson, 1992) said: 

If distress is the affect of suffering, shame is the affect of indignity, transgression and of alienation. Though terror speaks to life and death and distress makes of the world a vale of tears, yet shame strikes deepest into the heart of man.... shame is felt as inner torment, a sickness of the soul....the humiliated one feels himself naked, defeated, alienated, lacking in dignity and worth.

Helen B. Lewis, a pioneer in recognizing the importance of shame to psychotherapy, argued that shame really represents an entire family of emotions. This family includes: humiliation, embarrassment, feelings of low self-esteem, belittlement, and stigmatization. Shame is often a central ingredient in experiences of being:

      

alienated inadequate helpless powerless defenseless weak insecure uncertain shy ineffectual inferior flawed exposed

unworthy hurt intimidated defeated. rejected dumped rebuffed stupid bizarre odd peculiar different

 

Shame manifests itself physically in a wide variety of forms. The person may hide their eyes; lower their gaze; blush; bite their lips or tongue; present a forced smile; or fidget. Other responses may include annoyance, defensiveness, exaggeration or denial. Because the affect of shame often interferes with our ability to think, the individual may experience confusion, being at a loss for words, or a completely blank mind.

Shame is often experienced as the inner, critical voice that judges whatever we do as wrong, inferior, or worthless. Often this inner critical voice is repeating what was said to us by our parents, relatives, teachers and peers. We may have been told that we were naughty, selfish, ugly, stupid, etc. We may have been ostracized by peers at school, humiliated by teachers, treated with contempt by our parents. Paradoxically, shame may be caused by others expecting too much of us, evoking criticism when our performance is less than perfect. Some authority figures are never satisfied with one's efforts or performance, they are critical no matter what. Unfortunately, these criticisms become internalized, so that it is our own inner critical voice that is meting out the shaming messages, such as: "You idiot, why did you do that?," "Can't you do anything right?,"or " You should be ashamed of yourself," etc.

One source of shame is associated with the expression of certain emotions. In many families, as well as in many cultures, expression of such feelings as anger, fear, sadness or vulnerability, may be met with shaming reproaches, such as "Pull yourself together," "Don't be a baby,"  "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about," or "You don't have anything to be afraid of."  Pride is also a feeling that is often met with shameful condemnations, such as "Who do you think you are, Mr. Bigshot?," or "You're getting too big for your britches."  Often these shaming admonitions are internalized, so that when we get in touch with any of these "shameful feelings" we will automatically feel shame, and try to control or hide the feelings, or, at the very least, to apologize profusely for them.

Clearly these shaming inner voices can do considerable damage to our self esteem. These self criticisms, that we are stupid, selfish, a show-off, etc., become, in varying degrees, how we see ourselves. For some of us,  the inner critical judge is continuously providing a negative evaluation of what we are doing, moment-by-moment. As mentioned before, the inner critic may make it impossible for one to do anything right, telling you that you are too aggressive, or not aggressive enough, that you're too selfish, or that you let people walk all over you.

SHAME AND COUPLES

Additionally shame is often at the root of marital discord.  For example, if one member of the couple wants more intimacy, and/or communication than the other, both may feel shame as a result.  The one wanting more intimacy may feel rejected and shamed for wanting too much, the other may feel shame for either not being comfortable with more closeness, or for wanting more distance than the other.  The shame, because it is so painful, is often bypassed, and can turn into blaming each other (“You don’t love me!”, or “You’re too needy!”).  Unfortunately this results in an increase in shame for both people, resulting in an escalation of blame, a vicious cycle that can have devastating results.  In my work with couples, I focus on what each member of the relationship wants, or does not want, and to frame it in a way that minimizes both people’s shame and blame.  Instead there can be the conversation that was prevented by the shame/blame cycle, decreasing hostile interactions and increasing an understanding of what the other wants.

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Just Sayin' ***If You or Someone You know truly wants to recover...You must address the Shame or recovery will NOT be complete.

Check out Booklet: "Is It Low-Self Esteem or Shame" - D. Kuehnel, LCSW - http://sitebuilder.myregisteredsite.com/sitebuilder/f_edit_page.html

Just Sayin' - **Workbooks were developed to eliminate shame aspects within the self-destructive behaviors of Dishonesty/Eating Disorders/Anger/Anxiety

 

8 Ways to Take the Joy Out of the Holidays By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

In case you haven’t noticed, the winter holidays are here. They sweep over us like a tsunami of lights, sights, sounds and smells. It can be a season of joy or a season of stress. Most of us would choose the joy, but it’s easy to get caught up in things that can bring out the bah-humbug in the best of us.

Here are eight surefire ways to make sure we are exhausted, resentful, and broke by December’s end. Perhaps being aware of them will help us all keep good holiday spirits right into the new year.

1. Neglect the basics.

Don’t get enough sleep. Eat nothing but sugar. Don’t move except from car to store to car to door. It’s easy to neglect health and wellbeing during a time of celebratory eating, rushing around to do in a week what should take a month, and staying up too late to make sure every tradition is honored. We can fill our days with excuses (“Oh just this once I’ll …”) or we can stick to our healthy routines some — or even most — of the time and still enjoy the season.

2. Decorate every inch of the house.

The covers on those women’s magazines at the checkout counter can make us all feel like slackers. Twenty-four holiday gifts you can make in a day! 50 easy cookie recipes! Simple crafts to make your house inviting, warm, wonderful, in the spirit! Yeah. But most of us already put in a full day every day. The very idea of actually making those gifts, cookies, and decorations is exhausting.

If you truly enjoy crafts and decking the halls, by all means do it — just do it in a way that makes you as well as the house feel great. If your job is demanding and you already feel stretched to the max, it’s really okay to use the same decorations you’ve always used (that’s what traditions are all about anyway) and to buy a couple of dozen cookies.

3. Dig up memories of past holidays where you were neglected, mistreated, or ignored by someone or maybe by several someones.

We can relive our disappointments over and over or we can focus on making this holiday season happier and more meaningful. Promise yourself to take charge of some part of the holiday season this year and make a happy memory to look back on next year. Do this enough years in a row and you will build a fund of good memories.

4. Focus on what you don’t have and can’t do.

‘Tis the season when we can feel sorry for ourselves for not being able to buy the gifts we’d like to buy, for not being able to go on a winter vacation, for not being as well off as some family member, friend, or neighbor. Or we can appreciate what we do have and be grateful for the moments when we can do something special with or for someone we love.

5. Over-commit your time by saying yes when you really need to say no.

The PTO needs cookies? You agree to bake 6 dozen. The church needs folks to staff the holiday fair? You take two shifts as a favor to your friend the committee chair. The Cub Scouts need a place to have a party? You volunteer your house.

All are worthy activities. But you don’t have to do them all or do them all in a big way to be a good enough person. Choosing carefully when to say an enthusiastic yes and when to say a graceful no can make the difference between joyful participation and high stress.

6. Overspend.

It’s so tempting, isn’t it? The holiday sales are on. Every catalogue promises deals and steals – and free shipping. While you’re out buying for others, it’s hard not to throw in things you wanted for yourself. Although you intend to stay within a budget, it’s hard not to get just one more little thing for each of the kids. Bad idea. The likely outcome of going over budget is that you’ll be financially stressed until March. Believe me. The kids would rather have a happy parent than another toy or a designer sweater.

7. Try to get to too many places in too short a time.

Most of us don’t get a week off during the holidays, but many of us act as if we do. Let’s see: Christmas Eve at your mother’s, Christmas morning at your house. Christmas dinner with your partner’s family. The next day you’re expected to show up for a party. You put 500 miles on the car in three days. The kids are cranky. You’re cranky. Everyone is exhausted. As much as others may be disappointed, you do have a choice about all that running around. Stay put. Invite relatives to come to you for a change. Or stretch the holiday visiting out over the month. Only Santa has to get around the world in 24 hours. You don’t.

8. Threaten the kids.

“If you don’t behave, Santa won’t come.” As tempting as it may be to use Santa as the heavy, it can make a child anxious now and resentful in the future. Although it may buy a moment’s peace, threatening kids with the promise of a stocking stuffed with coal or bribing them with the promise of a pony can only destroy the magic. Leave Santa out of your repertoire for child management. Instead, catch them being good whenever you can. Be firm and fair in your discipline. You’ll be more effective as a parent and you’ll get the bonus of being able to see the magic of Christmas through a child’s eyes.

Recovery is Entirely Possible

Good things happen for those who are patient and keep on the course of their goal with hard work!  But after 31+ years helping with individuals work towards recovery!  Remember you can ALWAYS go back to old behaviors - why not give recovery a chance!  Address all the shame issues and you will be free!

How to Stop Purging: 7 Ways to Stop the Cycle

People suffering from bulimia get stuck in a viscous cycle of binging and purging that is not only physically harmful but also mentally draining as well. Lots of bulimics reach their breaking point but don’t know how to stop purging. Bulimics can suffer from painful and embarrassing physical symptoms such as stomach ulcers, bloating, dry skin, sores or abrasion on their knuckles, eroded tooth enamel, tears in the esophagus, and constipation. Emotional symptoms of bulimia are equally as painful and embarrassing and can include depression, mood swings, feeling out of control, and feeling intense self-loathing after a binge/purge session has occurred.
Getting control over purging first involves getting control over your compulsive urges. This can be done a number of ways, including avoiding triggers, improving self-esteem, changing eating habits and seeking help. Here are seven ways to help you stop purging.
1. Identify your triggers. Everyone has different triggers. Stress, loneliness, family problems, a bad day can all lead to the impulse to purge. Take note of what your triggers are and try to avoid them and learn ways to better cope with them.
2. Improve your self-esteem. Self-esteem is a big key factor in your binge/purge cycle. Studies show that people with low self-esteem are more prone to depression, loneliness, poor body image, helplessness, feeling like they have no control, and feeling unable to cope with stress and change. These are all triggers for a binge/purge cycle. Improving your self-esteem will help remove these triggers from your life.
3. Eat at regular intervals. Never let yourself get hungry. Avoiding food for long periods of time can cause you to get that out-of-control hungry feeling that triggers a binge. Eating a small amount every 3 to 4 hours can curb binges and subsequent purges.
4. Consider taking medications. Since bulimia is primarily a psychological disorder, some people have found recovery success through a combination of psychotherapy and medications. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the only anti-depressant approved by the USDA for the treatment of bulimia is Prozac. Prozac has been found to reduce binging and purging, prevent relapse, and improve attitudes toward eating. Other types of medications, such as selective serotonin-reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) have also been shown to reduce binging and purging cycles. Discussing your disorder with your doctor or therapist can help you decide if medications are right for you.
5. Get comprehensive treatment. Group therapy, and especially cognitive behavior therapy, is an effective way to maintain recovery after you’ve maintained some sense of control over your binging and purging. Comprehensive therapy that includes group and individual counseling, psychotherapy, medications and nutritional counseling is the most successful form of treatment.
6. Be honest with yourself and others. Recruit a friend or trusted family member to help you along in your recovery process. Fill them in on your triggers and advise them on steps they can take to help diffuse the pressure of a potential binge/purge cycle. If certain situations or environments trigger your disorder, turn down invitations and turn to your trusted confidant instead to help get your mind off of a stressful situation.
7. Change your mindset about overindulging. Just because you binge or eat something you feel you shouldn’t, doesn’t mean you should scrap the entire day as a lost cause and purge. Take your recovery one day at a time and be patient with yourself. Relapse is inevitable but a necessary step in the recovery process.
Getting Help for Bulimia
The best way to stop purging is to seek professional help for your bulimia. The first course of action is to treat the physical problems your disorder has caused, followed by treating the emotional and mental issues underlying your eating disorder. Therapy is a very effective treatment for bulimia and can help you curb your binging and purging impulses and potentially save your life.