There are a number of reasons that people lie. The first is fear. This is the most common reason that people may lie, and they are taking shelter from a perceived punishment. It may be because they know they have done something wrong a single time, in which case it is not compulsive lying. But if they are always in fear of being punished, it may become a habit, which is a second reason for lying. In this case, it may become compulsive lying, which is lying by reflex. Even when confronted by the truth, they insist the lie is the truth in this case. A third case is learning to lie through modeling. When a people see others lie, especially when they get away with it, they may become more prone to lying. Finally, people lie because they feel if they tell the truth they won't get what they want. Thus, out of the main reasons for lying, only lying by habit can truly be called "compulsive lying" or "pathological lying".
Increased lying has been seen with a number of psychiatric diagnoses such as ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. With ADHD people will often say "I don't know why I did that", and when confronted about why they lied, their answer will be the same. ADHD children also display impulsivity, and they may lie implusively. Bipolar Disorder can be associated with low serotonin levels, which has been implicated in impulsivity, which, as indicated before, makes a person more prone to lie.
Pathological lying, though, can be thought of as being associated with a select few psychiatric diagnoses, which normally have their onset during adolescence. Namely, these are Conduct Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. In conduct disorder, it is common to seelying, conning people and other forms of deceit. In Antisocial Personality Disorder, there is a pervasive pattern of disregard or the rights of others, and with this, the person with this disorder will often lie to get what they wish – usually money, sex or power.
Lying is something that everyone does from time to time: There is acceptable lying like the basic answer to 'How are you?" But then there are people who's self-esteem isn't in good condition and may find themselves lying more and more often. Can we look at why different people explain why they feel they lie.
Reading the following may help get you started.
I feel I am far too old to be grappling with
this at this point in my life. I have a 2 year old, a newborn, a beautiful wife,
a mortgage, and am a recent graduate from law school. I can’t stop lying though.
The lying has always been for remedial things (telling people I played football
when I was really in the marching band, etc.), but it has now infiltrated into
all areas of my life. I have lied about past successes in school, work, faith,
and general areas of character and integrity. I have been in sales for about 6
years now and I lie to customers about successes, mistakes that I have made,
personal accomplishments, etc. I have most recently been caught by my boss lying
about making a sales call I really didn’t make, and almost lost my job over it –
over something he really wouldn’t have even cared about! I have a wife, a 2 year
old, and a newborn who all depend on me, and I feel like I’m selfishly
regressing.
I have thought long and hard about what is
at the root of all this. My father, who died when I was 22, had a major stroke
when I was in 7th grade. He was mentally and physically transformed, and at 13
years old in 7th grade I remember trying to cover up what was really wrong with
dad to friends…even though I don’t remember any of them ever saying
anything…just that feeling of ‘needing’ to cover it up. I remember it being very
difficult to have dad come into a school function on canes or in a wheelchair,
and then feeling ashamed that I was embarrassed of him. I truly believe that
this is where the lying began, and it has continued ever since to some degree or
another. I constantly embolden stories just to make them more interesting
(perhaps because I don’t feel like I’m interesting enough on my own?). As an
aside, I have also been caught for shoplifting twice before, have cheated many
times in school and on taxes, and have struggled with my faith over the years; I
also don’t do drugs and only drink alcohol in moderation.
So with my boss catching me recently, it
just hit me that I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of all the lies. And
although I think I know why I lie and where it’s rooted, I can’t stop. I don’t
know if I’m afraid of what my raw exposure to the world would surface, or if I’m
even worthy of such a “re-start.” I don’t know how to wipe the slate clean and
start anew. I just know that I have to because I hate who I have become. I have
never considered suicide (because I do believe that I am here for a purpose),
but I truly hate who I have become, and I want to be someone my 2 sons want to
model.
I feel like I have allowed these years of
lies to define who I am, and while I don’t want that to go on anymore, I am
afraid I will not have the will to steer the ship. How do I do it? I just don’t
know if I can come clean to my friends and family about all this because, quite
frankly, where would I start?
This feel awesome to write though. I can’t
explain how good it feels to write all this down (or think it all clearly
through for the first time) because…it’s the truth! Please help
me.
A. When people lie it is always for a
purpose. In my experience, the purpose of the lies is to make someone appear to
be better than they are, which is indicative of a poor self-image/shame. People
lie because they don’t think they are good enough/shame. As you said, you lied
about being a football player when in reality you were in the marching band.
This indicates that you thought that being a football player made you appear
better than being in the marching band. If you would have thought that being in
the marching band was better than being a football player you would have told
the truth. You would not have lied about playing football because the purpose of
your lies was to make you look better. As you can see from my example, lying had
nothing to do with anything external. It had to do with your internal feelings
about yourself/shame. In your mind, being a football player was better than
being in the marching band. In other people’s minds, they may have thought that
being in a marching band was better than football. You were lying to make
yourself look better to yourself, not to the world.
It would be a mistake to think that you are
the only person in the world lying. Lying is very common to human nature. People
lie on their taxes; they lie on their resumes and in many other areas of life.
They embellish stories, which is just another way of saying they lie. I’m sure
there are plenty of times when individuals of the highest moral character are
asked a question and they do not tell the absolute truth. For instance, a
question such as “how does my new haircut look?” may generate the same response
from many people — “oh it looks great” — but the truth may be that they believe
the haircut is hideous. How many times does someone ask “how are you doing?” and
you simply respond “great” when it reality you may not be doing well at all.
In life, there are ‘acceptable’ or
understandable lies and in some cases one may need to lie as a way to survive
very difficult situations. For instance, you lied in grade school about your
father. You may have had to do that because the reality is that one’s peers in
grade school can be vicious. At that age, your peers often search for any
differences, any weakness, and use them to torment or bully you. Today we
recognize this behavior as bullying. You may have had to lie in that situation
because it was advantageous and it was essentially a survival
mechanism.
Generally, lying is part of human nature and
it is a mistake to think that you’re the only one who’s guilty of lying. Your
lying fits a pattern. You are lying to make yourself look better to your boss,
to friends, and perhaps even to your children.
The heart of the issue is that you do
not think that you are ‘good enough’/feel shamed the way you are. To be ‘good
enough’ you need to lie to come up to ‘normal’ and this indicates that you have
a poor self-image. This is an issue that can be dealt with effectively in
therapy.
I also want to point out the
very positive aspects of your letter. One is that you are fully aware of the
issue. That may not have always been the case but it seems to be now.
This awareness increases the likelihood that you can
effectively deal with this problem. The second positive aspect of your letter is
that you seem to have a new or heightened clarity about this issue. As you said,
you felt very good about writing down your feelings and for the first time were
able to think through them clearly. Third, you seem willing and open to make
changes your life. I see this as the perfect time for you to deal with the
possible long-running issue of a poor self-image/shame.
By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
