Starved for Love - Part Three (example)

Example from:  National Eating Disorders Week - Anorexia - Starving for Love

Looking for love in all the wrong places can cause Anorexia. -  Mark Goulston, M.D.

 

"Place your right hand on your stomach, then place your left hand on top of your right hand, close your eyes and start to breathe slowly and deeply through your mouth," I said to the anorexic 19-year-old woman who weighed barely 85 pounds in front of me.

It was 32 years ago. I was a psychiatry resident at UCLA's Neuropsychiatric Institute and I had finished interviewing a young woman I will call Nancy, and her parents in the emergency room and was now waiting for a bed to be opened up in the In Patient unit upstairs. We had sent her parents home and started an IV on this waif of a girl. "Place your right hand on your stomach, then place your left hand on top of your right hand, close your eyes and start to breathe slowly and deeply through your mouth," I said to the anorexic 19-year-old woman who weighed barely 85 pounds in front of me.

It was 32 years ago. I was a psychiatry resident at UCLA's Neuropsychiatric Institute and I had finished interviewing a young woman I will call Nancy, and her parents in the emergency room and was now waiting for a bed to be opened up in the In Patient unit upstairs. We had sent her parents home and started an IV on this waif of a girl.

Nancy had been fighting anorexia for four years and this was her second hospitalization. She spoke a little, but what was clear was the conflict between her and her parents -- and between the parents themselves. When I interviewed the three of them together, the more adamant her mother became and the more her father argued with the mother, the more Nancy withdrew.

When I spoke with Nancy alone, she was a little more verbal, but not much more. She answered my questions politely, but flatly with a vacant, defeated look in her eyes. She had hidden her skeletal condition in loose clothes, but there wasn't a place to hide now that she was in a hospital gown.

It was an unusually quiet evening for me, so I had time to spend with Nancy while we awaited for the transfer orders. I had recently taken some training in Guided Imagery, which is a kind of guided hypnosis and a powerful image came to mind as I sat with her.

I told her that I wanted to try a relaxation exercise with her that I thought might help her relax and all she needed to do was visualize what I told her.

“I would like you to imagine that you are laying on your stomach in a crib as a six-month-old and you are experiencing a deep, crampy, stomach pain (colic) and crying from the pain you feel. As you cry you are staring at the door to your room that is slightly open and you can see light coming in from the hall. Now imagine your mother coming in and tenderly picking you up and holding you against her left upper chest and lovingly patting you on the back. You place your arms around her neck as she holds you.

“Now visualize that your own arms which are on you stomach are your mother's arms holding you. As you visualize that, breathe in from your stomach with deep slow breaths feeling your hands and arms on your stomach as if they are your mother holding you at six months. Take in a deep breath to a count of six: one...two...three...four...five...six. Now hold your breath for a count of three: one...two...three. Now exhale slowly to a count of seven: one...two...three...four...five...six...seven. Now relax.

“I would now like you to visualize and feel that the arms you have on your stomach are your arms as you put them around your mother's neck and pull her close to you, to feel the safety, security and warmth. Take in a deep breath to a count of six: one...two...three...four...five...six. Now hold your breath for a count of three: one...two...three.' Now exhale slowly to a count of seven: one...two...three...four...five...six...seven. Now relax.

“Now I would like you to visualize your father coming into your room when you are six months old going over to your mom and putting his hand and arm on top of your mother's as she holds you and visualize your left hand over your right hand on top of your stomach as his hand on top of hers and both of them tenderly holding you. Take in a deep breath to a count of six: one...two...three...four...five...six. Now hold your breath for a count of 3: one...two...three. Now exhale slowly to a count of seven, one...two...three...four...five...six...seven. Now relax.”

As this was happening I could see her eyes quietly crying as if a lot of the pain she was feeling inside her was being comforted and relieved.

"Now I would like you to visualize your parents and you, being connected and everyone caring about each other and visualize you sealing that caring into you. Take in a deep breath to a count of six, one...two...three...four...five...six. Now hold your breath for a count of 3: one...two...three. Now exhale slowly to a count of seven: one...two...three...four...five...six...seven. Now relax.

"Now I am going to count from one to 10 and when we get up to about seven you will start to flicker open your eyes and come back to where we are. One ... two ... three ... four ... five ... six ... seven ... eight ... nine ... ten ... and back to where we are.'"

Nancy gradually opened her tear filled eyes, which now seemed less dull. There was even a faint smile on her which I think was more about relief than feeling happy. I asked her how she was feeling.

Nancy responded, "I feel a little better and do you think it would be okay if I had a chocolate bar before I go upstairs?"

I smiled back and said, "Sure."

And then Nancy was admitted to our In Patient unit.

More Info?  www.addictions.net

Why Do I Feel Worthless - U Guessed It - Shame

Why do i feel worthless

Why do you sometimes meet a person who makes you feel worthless?
Why do you feel worthless around some strangers but not your close friends?
and Where does feelings of worthlessness come from?

The psychological identity refers to the way the person thinks of himself. When someone says that he is "The engineer" then he is identifying with his job. If anything happened that made the person question his identity or believe that he failed at maintaining it then he will feel worthless.

In this article i will explain exactly why do you feel worthless sometimes.

Identity crisis and feeling worthless

Throughout our lives we shift from a major identity to another. A woman might think of herself as a "Wife" when she gets married and then when she gives birth she might think of herself as a "mom".

These are examples of two roles or identities that this woman passed through as she was progressing through life. Lets suppose that her husband decided to divorce her, if she thought that the divorce was her fault then she might feel worthless because her identity as a wife was shaken.

The same would happen if she discovered that her kids were not emotionally stable because she will feel that she failed to maintain the role of a mom.

So we feel worthless when we fail to maintain one of our major identities.

Why do i feel worthless around some people?

Lets suppose that the lady in the previous example had a very good relationship with her husband but didn't manage to raise mentally healthy children. Most probably she will feel comfortable around other wives but worthless around moms.

Because she will always compare herself to successful moms who managed to keep the identity that she failed to maintain she will always feel worthless around them.

That's the same reason why a man might feel worthless if he saw a younger one driving a Ferrari. In theSolid Self confidence program i said that the root of inferiority complex is comparing yourself to others unfavorably in way that makes you lose each comparison and so feel worthless.

How to not feel worthless

In order not to feel worthless you have to do two things.
The first is to not identity with one role in your life. This means that your life must be full so that you have many identities instead of becoming dependent on only one to feel good about yourself.

The second thing you should do is fixing what went wrong. If you failed to be a good wife, mother, engineer or student then this doesn't mean that its the end of the world. you can try again until you manage to succeed at what you failed to do in the past.

Just Sayin' - shame again...

Humiliation/SHAME

You have been insulted, your ego is bruised, your pride is hurt, you have been shown

powerless and diminished in some way, and now you are hurt and mad as hell! You have

just been humiliated, it is unfair, and you don't like feeling foolish. Humiliation often results in

 violent retaliation and revenge.

Remember, at the end of the day, the only opinion of yourself that matters is your own.

Definitions:

1. Feeling disrespected.
2. A loss of stature or image.
3. An image change reflecting a decrease in what others believe about your stature.
4. Induced shame
5. To reduce the pride or fail to recognize the dignity of another
6. An event perceived to cause loss of honor and induce shame.
7. Feeling powerless.
8. Being unjustly forced into a degrading position.
9. Ridicule, scorn, contempt or other treatment at the hands of others.

Root: from Latin humilis, low, lowly, from humus, ground. Literally, “reducing to dirt”.

Synonyms include losing face, being made to feel like a fool, feeling foolish, hurt, disgraced, indignity, put-down, debased, dejected, denigrated, dishonored, disrespected, dis'ed, defamed, humbled, scorned, slighted, slurred, shamed, mortified, rejected, being laughed at. While humility is considered a strength, humiliation is hurtful; the distinction pivots on autonomy.

Appreciation is the opposite of humiliation.

Humiliation involves an event that demonstrates unequal power in a relationship where you are in the inferior position and unjustly diminished. Often the painful experience is vividly remembered for a long time. Your vindictive passions are aroused and a humiliated fury may result. There are three involved parties: 1) the perpetrator exercising power, 2) the victim who is shown powerless and therefore humiliated, and 3) the witness or observers to the event.

Because of the powerlessness and lack of control that it exposes, humiliation may lead to anxiety.

Humility is recognizing and accepting our own limitations based on an accurate and modest estimate of our importance and significance. The humble person recognizes he is one among the six billion interdependentpeople on this earth, earth is one planet circling the sun, and our sun is one of a billion stars in the presently known universe. Because of this broad and sound perspective on her significance, the truly humble person cannot be humiliated.

Humility reduces our need for self-justification and allows us to admit to and learn from our mistakes. Our ego stands down.

Humiliation and Shame

 

Shame is private, humiliation is public.

The essential distinction between humiliation and shame is this: you agree with shame and you disagree with humiliation. Humiliation is suffering an insult. If you judge the insult to be credible, then you feel shame. Others can insult and humiliate you, but you will only feel shame if your self-image is reduced; and that requires your own assessment and decision. A person who is insecure about their genuine stature is more prone to feeling shame as a result of an insult. This is because they give more credibility to what others think of them than to what they think of themselves. This can result in fragile self-esteem.

People believe they deserve their shame, they do not believe they deserve their humiliation. Humiliation is seen as unjust.

Forms of Humiliation

Humans have many ways to slight others and humiliate them. For example:

• Overlooking someone, taking them for granted, ignoring them, giving them the silent treatment, treating them as invisible, or making them wait unnecessarily for you,
• Rejecting someone, holding them distant, abandoned, or isolated,
• Withholding acknowledgement, denying recognition, manipulating recognition,
• Denying someone basic social amenities, needs, or human dignity,
• Manipulating people or treating them like objects (it) or animals, rather than as a person (thou).
• Treating people unfairly,
• Domination, control, manipulation, abandonment,
• Threats or abuse including: verbal (e.g. name calling), physical, psychological, or sexual,
• Assault, attack, or injury
• Reduction in rank, responsibility, role, title, positional power, or authority,
• Betrayal, or being cheated, lied to, defrauded, suckered, or duped,
• Being laughed at, mocked, teased, ridiculed, given a dirty look, spit on, or made to look stupid or foolish.
• Being the victim of a practical joke, prank, or confidence scheme.
• False accusation or insinuation,
• Public shame, disrespect, or being dis'ed, downgraded, defeated, or slighted
• Forced nakedness,
• Rape or incest,
• Seeing your love interest flirt with another, induced jealousy, violating your love interest, cuckolding,
• Seeing your wife, girlfriend, sister, or daughter sexually violated,
• Dishonor,
• Poverty, unemployment, bad investments, debt, bankruptcy, foreclosure, imprisonment, homelessness, punishment, powerlessness,
• Denigration of a person's values, beliefs, heritage, race, gender, appearance, characteristics, or affiliations,
• Dependency, especially on weaker people,
• Losing a dominance contest. Being forced to submit.
• Trespass such as violating privacy or other boundaries,
• Violating, denying, or suppressing human rights,
• Losing basic personal freedoms such a mobility, access, or autonomy; being controlled, dominated, intruded on, exploited, or manipulated,
• Diminished competency resulting from being disabled, immobilized, tricked, weakened, trapped, mislead, thwarted goals, opposed, sabotage, or let down.
• Diminished resources resulting from being defrauded, robbed, cheated, evicted, or being deprived of privileges, or rights,
• Having safety or security reduced by intimidation or threat,
• Dismissing, discounting, or silencing your story,
• Being treated as an equal by a lower stature person.

The Paradox of Humiliation

 

An insult usually hurts, but it is important to resolve in your own mind, based on evidence, why the insult hurts. What loss does it represent to you? Decide if the insult:

• is an unjustified attack that does not decrease your stature, diminish your self-image, nor tarnish your public image or reputation, or
• is justified and has diminished your public image or reputation, or
• is justified and has diminished or revised your self-image.

Begin the analysis by deciding if the insult is based on information that accurately represents you. Then reflect and consider if your image accurately represents your stature. If you decide the insult is unjustified then you can simply ignore it (“don't take the bait”) or you can describe why it is unfair and ask your offender for an apology. If your public image exceeds your stature, then the insult may a justifiable retaliation for your arrogance and it may contain an important message you can learn from. If the insult is justified it may cause you to feel shame and then lead you to revise your self-image to better align it with your stature. The insult is never justified if it is an attempt to reduce your stature below the threshold of human dignity.

Public Image, Self-Image, Stature, and Revenge

 

For an insult to diminish your public image, the public has to believe it is true. For an insult to diminish yourself-image or self-esteem, you have to believe it is true. An insult cannot diminish your stature because your self-image is not your self. An insult may cause you to reassess your self-image or self-esteem.

Revenge is often sought as a remedy for humiliation; perhaps using the phrase “protecting honor” as justification. But revenge cannot be an effective remedy for humiliation, because it does nothing to increase your stature.

Beyond Offense

 

Humiliation is more demeaning and hurtful than “taking offense” at something. “Taking offense” is cognitive; you have questioned, disagreed with, or attacked my beliefs and perhaps my values. We disagree, and I think you are wrong. Offense is intellectual; it is about what I think. “Humiliation” is visceral; you have attacked me, my being, my self, and made me feel foolish about who I am. The attack is personal and credible enough that you have caused me to doubt my own worth, and thereby induced my shame. Humiliation is existential; it is about who I am.

Consequences

 

Humiliation has been linked to academic failure, low self-esteem, social isolation, underachievement, marital conflict, delinquency, abuse, discrimination, depression, learned helplessness, social disruption, torture, and even death. People in power use humiliation as a form of social control; it is a common tool of oppression. The fear of humiliation is also a powerful motivating force.

Cultural differences

 

Although shame and humiliation are human universals, the particular circumstances and events that causehumiliation can vary greatly from one culture to the next. An event that is benign in one culture may cause great offense, shame, and humiliation in another. For example:

• Under Islamic law a woman who spends time alone with an unrelated man brings great shame to her family.

Resolution

 

Victims of humiliation may be able to achieve resolution through either of two paths. The first is toreappraise the humiliating experience in some way that acknowledges the victim's strength and ability tocope with a difficult situation. This approach increases self-confidence and diminishes the fear of humiliation. The second path is to leave the degrading environment and find a more appreciative environment.

Quotations

• “The most dangerous men on earth are those who are afraid they are wimps.” ~ James Gilligan
• “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.
• “The truly humble person cannot be humiliated.” ~ Donald Klein
• “The fear of humiliation appears to be one of the most powerful motivators in individual and collective human behavior.” ~ Donald Klein
• “Persistent humiliation robs you of the vantage of rebellion.” ~ M. Silver
• “Ridicule is man's most potent weapon.” ~ Saul Alinsky
• “The difference between how a person treats the powerless versus the powerful is as good a measure of human character as I know.” ~ Robert I. Sutton
• “When you dismiss my story you dismiss who I am; you diminish me.” ~ Leland R. Beaumont

References:

 

On Apology, by Aaron Lazare

Somebodies and Nobodies: Overcoming the Abuse of Rank, by Robert W. Fuller

Violence, by James Gilligan

The No Asshole Rule, by Robert I. Sutton

Relation of Threatened Egotism to Violence and Aggression: The Dark Side of High Self-Esteem, Psychology Review, 1996, Vol. 103, No. 1, 5-33, by Roy F. Baumeister, Laura Smart, Joseph M. Boden

Humiliation and Assistance: Telling the Truth About Power, Telling a New Story, by Linda M. Hartling, Wellesley College

The Humiliation Dynamic, Donald C. Klein, Ph.D., The Union Institute

Humiliation: Assessing the Specter of Derision, Degradation, and Debasement, Linda M. Hartling  (1995) Doctoral dissertation. Cincinnati, OH: Union Institute Graduate School.

 

Just Sayin' - shame shame shame